Put You Back Together
by oth4eva
Summary: A tragedy drives Peyton out of Tree Hill, left behind is the wreckage of a life that she'd always dreamed of, a life she'd fought so hard for. When she returns she sees the extent of her betrayal. Will she come to terms with what happened? Will the one person that has always mattered most forgive her? Will she be able to make things right? Set after 6x23, LP.


**Set after 6x23. Timeline and events up to then are canon, after that everything comes from me (disregarding the show timeline completely).**

**Put You Back Together**

_I slept off, baby I didn't know enough  
Some things are better left unsaid, but I've not said enough  
All I know is we shouldn't let this go_

As her plane touched down on the tarmac a wave of nerves crashed over her. It was like she had blocked out every sense of feeling until the wheels landed on the tarmac. Then the emotion all came at once, she felt sick and lightheaded. Walking through the airport in a daze she stopped just before the 'Welcome to Tree Hill' sign, smiling apologetically at the people behind her as she stepped out of the way. Putting down her luggage she took in a deep breathe, staring at the sign.

She had no idea what kind of reception she would receive. Well actually, she could guess and she predicted that it would not be good.

Taking another deep breathe, Peyton closed her eyes. She could do this. She _had_ to do this. There was no way to get any closure if she didn't face it all. It had been fourteen months since she had stepped foot in Tree Hill and although she knew coming back was for the best it also terrified her. Breathing heavily she ponders when she was last this nervous about entering her home town. She settled on when she'd returned after nearly five years in Los Angeles, that was nearly 4 years ago now.

4 years and nothing had changed, she was still as nervous as she had been before. She swallowed thickly, well that wasn't entirely true, a lot had changed.

_Everything_ had changed.

Gathering her wits about her she picks up her bags again and walks through the arrivals lounge, stopping again when she sees a familiar face. Smiling softly as she walks closer, the brunette does the same. She stops in front of her oldest friend and they stare at each other.

'Hey stranger.' Brooke rasps and before Peyton has a chance to respond the brunette pulls her into a hug, her arms wrapping round the blonde tightly. Peyton responds without a seconds thought and hugs back just as fiercely trying to swallow the lump in her throat as her eyes burn.

* * *

Stepping into the house that Peyton called home a long time ago she dropped her bags to the floor.

'Are you sure Julian doesn't mind?' She asks anxiously as Brooke drops her keys on the table beside the front door.

'Of course not.' She scoffs, 'Besides he's working away at the moment.'

She picks up Peyton's bags and leads her to the guest room, pushing open the door they walk inside. Peyton scopes out the room and can't believe how much has changed since she last inhabited this room. Putting down her bags Brooke says softly,

'Come on P, let's have a drink.'

Peyton traipses into the living room and Brooke goes to the fridge, pulling out a bottle of wine and taking two glasses out of the cupboard. She watches Peyton as she wonders around, as she stops in front of the mantle piece looking at the photos displayed there. She furrows her brows studying her friend. Peyton looked skinnier than she remembered, although that was no surprise, but other than that she looked relatively healthy.

Apart from her eyes, the sparkle in them was gone and she looked tired. Too tired.

Hearing Brooke bustling around in the kitchen behind her Peyton looked at the photos on the mantle piece. Her heart constricting as she took in the new photos, the ones that depicted all that she'd missed in the last year.

Her eyes stopped on a photo of Lucas and her breathe caught in her throat.

Her eyes watered and she turned, blinking furiously. Sitting on Brooke's sofa she drew a shaky hand through her hair. In her best friend's absence she suddenly felt sick again. She was back in Tree Hill, and it was already affecting her more than she thought it would.

Brooke returned and poured Peyton a glass, she took it thankfully, taking a sip quickly.

Sitting down next to her Brooke took a moment to study her friend. Her earlier assessment had been right; she looked a far cry away from herself two years ago.

'How was the tour then P?' Brooke asked softly, testing the waters.

'Really great.' Peyton smiled and Brooke was glad to see that her friend could still do such a thing. 'Mia has really blossomed. She's gone from being a timid piano player and awesome songwriter to being a proper rock star. She's really found her inner confidence.'

Brooke nodded, 'And how's Jackson?'

'A struggle.' Peyton sighed, thinking about her newest protegee. 'Seriously, he's so head strong. He cannot listen to reason sometimes.'

'Well it isn't like you haven't had to deal with difficult musicians before.' Brooke chuckled. 'Chris Keller ring any bells.'

Peyton laughed, 'Speaking of, Chris Keller is making the circuit again.'

'Oh god help us.' Brooke sighed dramatically.

'As much as I dislike him, he is a pretty great musician.' Peyton reasoned, 'And the last few times I've seen him he actually seems kind of different. It's weird.'

'And hell has frozen over.' Brooke laughed. She studied her friend, suddenly serious.

'So how does it feel to be back?' Brooke asked softly and Peyton sighed.

'Honestly, a lot harder than I thought it would be.' Peyton looked at her friend, 'I don't feel like I should be here Brooke. Like I don't belong here.'

'Peyton.' Brooke said catching Peyton's hand with her own, her eyebrows furrowing with concern, 'Tree Hill is your home.'

Peyton considered this for a moment and looked down at their joined hands, 'Do you think Lucas would agree with you?' She asked softly.

Brooke hesitated and Peyton's eyes watered again.

'Didn't think so.' Peyton sighed. 'This wasn't a good idea. I should have stayed away. I'm sorry Brooke.'

She stood up placing her wine glass down and turned away from her best friend, she turned again at Brooke's voice. The brunette was standing across from her, her eyes determined, her jaw resolute.

'You're not doing this again, you're not running away. I gave you months to get your head around what happened, to do what you had to do.' Brooke said strongly, 'But enough is enough. I am not letting you do this to yourself anymore. You are going to stay and face everything, you are going to _stay_ and make this right.'

Brooke walked a little closer to her friend, putting a hand on her arm, 'And I _promise_ I will be by your side every step of the way.'

Peyton's eyes flooded with tears and she pulled Brooke into a bone crushing hug before bursting into tears. She didn't know how or why but those words had been the exact ones she'd been hoping to hear. She just needed someone on her side, she knew that those people would be few and far between.

Brooke held Peyton as she sobbed and couldn't help but let her own tears escape.

The brunette was glad to have her friend home but she also had absolutely no idea what was going to happen next.

_We'll be forever tripping over every thing we've got  
But I want you and I want you to know_

The following day Brooke left the house before Peyton came out of her bedroom. Truth be told the brunette had not slept all that well. She was so relieved and happy to have Peyton back home again but she was not naïve enough to think that this was going to be a feeling shared with their whole friendship group.

Peyton's return was going to stir up a lot of feelings that had been unresolved for over a year.

Pulling up at the Scott's household she made her way to the front door and opened it, announcing her arrival as soon as she was over the threshold. She heard the Scott's before she saw them. Walking into the kitchen all four of them were gathered around the breakfast bar. Little Lydia in her booster.

'Aunt Brooke!' Jamie said excitedly.

'Hey buddy.' Brooke answered happily.

'Get washed up jim jam and we'll get to the river court to meet Uncle Lucas.' Nathan said and after a quick hug with Brooke Jamie ran off upstairs.

'Hello Scott's.' She said tiredly, taking the seat that Jamie had vacated.

'Hey.' Haley said, she frowned a little as she surveyed Brooke. 'You ok?'

'Yes.' Brooke said slowly, 'But I have to tell you something.'

Nathan turned to Brooke worriedly, he placed a hand on her shoulder and Brooke took a deep breathe.

'Spit it out Davis.' Nathan said after a moment and Haley admonished him with a tutting sound.

'She's back.'

Brooke said the words quietly but she could tell that Nathan and Haley had heard her.

'Who?' Nathan said quickly but one glance at him told Brooke that he knew exactly who. But he wanted her to say it, he didn't want to be under any illusion.

'Peyton.' She said softly.

No one spoke for a good few minutes. Haley was staring at Brooke, her eyes unfocused and Nathan was staring at the worktop, his hands clenched on top of it.

After another minute Nathan stood quickly and after pressing a kiss to Haley's cheek was out of the door, 'Nathan!' Haley called after him but she heard the front door slam barely 10 seconds later.

Neither woman said anything for almost two whole minutes. Brooke was watching Haley for her reaction but Haley was looking out of the window, her face impassive but a frown knitting her eyebrows together.

'When?' She asked.

'Last night.' Brooke answered, 'I picked her up from the airport.'

'And you didn't think to tell any of us that she was coming back?' Haley asked harshly and Brooke's eyebrows raised indignantly.

'She asked me not to.'

'She doesn't have a right.' Haley spluttered, 'She's the one that left. She's the one that abandoned us all.'

'That's not fair.' Brooke defended.

'It's true.' Haley said loudly.

'She went through hell Haley.' Brooke said harshly, 'How do you not get that?'

Haley had the grace to look a little guilty then. She closed her eyes tightly, 'I know. I'm not mad at her for not turning to us, god knows I don't know how she kept her head above water. What I don't understand and what I cannot forgive is her abandoning Lucas.'

'She didn't _abandon_ him.' But even as she said the words Brooke knew it wasn't exactly the truth.

'She left him Brooke.' Haley said starkly, 'She left him.'

'I'm not having this argument with you.' Brooke said finally, 'I may not understand why she did what she did but she is my best friend and I will stick by her.'

'And Lucas is mine.'

Brooke nodded, 'That's why I think you should be the one to tell him.'

Haley's eyes widened but after a moment she realised that Brooke was right, she was going to have to tell Lucas. She was the only one who would know how to deal with his reaction, not that she even knew how he was going to react.

Her stomach flooded with nerves when she thought about it.

And just like that, everything changed in Tree Hill once again.

* * *

Peyton was in the kitchen fixing some breakfast when the front door banged open. She looked up, startled to see Nathan standing there. His eyes wide and his breathing heavy.

'Nathan.' She says softly moving around the counter to stand in front of him. He looks slightly clammy, as though he's just run here and his eyes dart over her, taking in her appearance.

'You're back.'

His voice is hoarse and she's startled to see his eyes swim with water.

'Oh Nate.' She says, her own voice breaking. It's then that he steps forward and crushes her against his chest. His arms tight around her, his cheek resting on the top of her head. He feels her body shuddering and knows she's crying and he closes his eyes, holding her tighter.

They stand like that for what seems like forever. Her sniffles make him open his eyes and they part again. He brushes his thumb over her cheek, drying the tears that have fallen and as they lock eyes she smiles softly. A smile she is relieved to see that he returns.

'For a moment there, I never thought I'd see you again.' Nathan says, closing his eyes tiredly.

Peyton swallows and looks at the floor. When deciding that she needed to come back she wasn't naïve enough to think that she would be welcomed back with open arms.

'Why?' Nathan says, 'Why did you do it?'

His question isn't angry, it isn't accusatory. His brow is furrowed in frustration but his eyes are warm, loving even.

Peyton runs a hand through her hair, she knew when she came back she'd face questioning from everyone but it didn't mean she was anywhere near ready for it, nor did it mean she had all the answers.

'I had to.'

'Bullshit.' Nathan scoffed.

'Nathan.' Peyton sighed, 'You have no idea.'

'Maybe not. But all of us were here for you.'

'Here…here I was drowning. Being here, seeing everyone, knowing the future that had been taken away.' Peyton swallowed painfully, 'It was suffocating.'

Nathan grasped a hold of both of her hands and said, 'I could have helped, we all could.'

'You couldn't.' Peyton said adamantly.

Nathan stared at her and she could see that he was trying to understand, trying to see how her leaving was the only thing that made sense. Was her only option.

Peyton rested her palms against his cheeks and he looked at her again, 'I know you don't understand Nate, I don't expect you to. But it was something that I had to do. And I am so sorry for that.'

His eyes watered again and Peyton drew him into another hug closing her eyes. She would not lie and say she didn't care about who she'd left in this little town because she did.

Of course she did.

And she was distraught at how much her leaving had affected the people around her. She only hoped that she could make it up to them.

Time would tell.

* * *

'Hales!'

Lucas' yell made Haley start. She was still standing in her kitchen, Nathan hadn't returned and Brooke had left. But she couldn't move, she'd been staring out of the window for the better part of an hour.

She was thinking about how everything had suddenly changed.

She was thinking about how she could possibly greet her old friend.

She was angry. God, was she angry. But she had missed Peyton just as much as the others and was so relieved to know that the blonde was ok.

She'd also come to the conclusion that Brooke was right, she needed to tell Lucas before anyone else did. Before he inevitably saw her.

And for the first time in all the years she'd known him she had no idea how he was going to react. She listened to him walk through her hall and round the corner to the kitchen.

'Hey! I called.'

She turned to face her best friend. He was looking at her in puzzlement, a small smile on his face.

She took a deep breathe before speaking, 'She's back Luke.'

Lucas' smile slid off his face and he swallowed thickly, he wanted to question her. He wanted to ask who she was talking about. But he knew. Of course he knew.

'Peyton's back.' Haley elaborated.

He stood there, unable to say a word. He closed his eyes and let out a deep breathe.

'And why're you telling me?' He finally asked coldly and Haley looked at him in complete surprise.

'She's your wife Lucas.' Haley reminded him softly.

'Was.' Lucas corrected setting his jaw, 'She _was_ my wife.'

Before she could respond he left her standing in the kitchen and walked in the direction of the bathroom.

Shutting the door behind him Lucas braced himself against the sink, breathing hard. The news had left his heart thumping in his chest.

She was back.

He honestly didn't know how to feel about that.

He placed a hand to his chest wincing slightly, his heart was beating faster than was good for it he was sure. He took a glance at his reflection and was startled to see the tears in his eyes, turning on the tap he splashed his face with cold water. Clearing his throat he plastered on a smile and stepped out of the bathroom. Haley turned to him as soon as he re-entered the kitchen.

'Are you ok?' She asked cautiously.

Lucas was extremely thankful when Jamie came running into the room, calling for his Uncle.

He didn't want to answer that question. Was he ok?

He had absolutely no idea.

_If this house burns to the ground into ashes  
We will hold it together  
We will hold it together_

Walking into Tric Peyton felt the nostalgia sweep over her, she stopped at the entrance taking it all in. The place held a lot of memories, even more so in the time she'd returned to Tree Hill the first time, the place had been her office, her sanctuary. She'd spent more time here than anywhere.

Currently it was quiet, a few lone workers stocking up the bar for the evening. A few cleaners sweeping up.

No one paid her any attention, for which she was grateful.

She made her way slowly to the back of the club and stopped outside the door that said Red Bedroom Records. Taking a deep breathe she slid it open and stepped inside.

Her heart jumped into her throat.

The room looked exactly the same as it had a year ago.

The pool table sat there untouched, the sofa to the side at the same angle it had always been facing towards the desk. She took in the paintings on the wall, it was all there. Everything. Granted, it all looked a little dusty.

Stepping closer to the desk she looked down at it, with trembling hands she grasped the photo frame resting upon it and as she looked at the picture a lump rose in her throat.

It was a picture of her and Lucas, her resting against him in the backseat of her car laughing. His eyes on her, they couldn't have been more than sixteen. Tears clouded her vision until a voice caught her off guard and she jumped.

'So it's true.'

She turned her head to see Haley standing in the doorway.

'You're back.' She stated and Peyton placed the photo back on the desk.

'I am.' She said softly, unsure of the reception Haley was going to give her.

Haley walked a little closer, studying her friend. Anger had driven Haley to Tric, she'd wanted to give Peyton a piece of her mind, she'd wanted to let out all of her frustrations that had been kept at bay for more than a year. But as she surveyed her friend, as the familiarities that were just simply Peyton crept over her she felt a lump in her throat. As her eyes met Peyton's green ones , tears welled in them and she suddenly realised how much she had worried about her the last year, how much she'd missed her.

Before Peyton knew what was happening Haley had thrown her arms around her, hugging her tightly. More than a little surprised by the reception Peyton nonetheless smiled and hugged her friend back tightly.

They drew back a moment later, 'You're ok?'

Peyton nodded, grimacing a little, 'I'm getting there.'

Haley nodded before stepping away, she sat on the pool table and simply stared at her. Peyton perched herself on her desk and stared back.

'Say what you want to say Hales.' She said softly. She could practically see Haley's cogs working overtime in her brain.

Haley sighed and ran a hand through her hair.

'I'm so happy you're ok and for the sake of our friendship I'm very happy you've come back but-' She sighed again, 'But I'm not sure I can forgive you for leaving.'

Peyton nodded, a lump forming in her throat again, 'I guess I deserve that.'

Haley sighed again, 'I don't understand Peyton. I just don't understand.'

'You don't have to.' Peyton replied, 'At the time it was the only thing that made sense, the only thing that seemed right.'

'You thought leaving your friends- wait, leaving your _husband_ was the right thing to do?!' Haley asked disbelievingly, her brow furrowing.

'Yes.' Peyton replied simply.

'How?' Haley asked and her voice rose imperceptibly, '_How_ could you possibly think that was going to make anything better?'

'I couldn't be here.'

'Well that is incredibly selfish of you. You couldn't face what happened and so you broke Lucas' heart.'

Peyton shook her head, pressing a shaky hand to her forehead.

'You don't understand Haley and I get that, I do. You will _never_ understand the overwhelming grief, the overwhelming guilt. You will never understand the utter hopelessness I felt, the utter loneliness. It didn't matter that I had Lucas, it didn't matter that I had everyone else. It didn't matter because I couldn't feel anything.' Peyton said and Haley held onto every word, 'I didn't feel love for Lucas, love for any of you. I didn't even particularly feel pain, I felt numb. I felt like nothing could ever be the same again.'

'And then the dam broke and I felt _everything_. I felt pain like I'd never felt before and I honestly felt like I was drowning.'

Haley listened intently, her heart breaking as she watched her friend speak.

'You had us.' She said hoarsely.

'I didn't care!' Peyton said loudly, standing up. 'I didn't care that I had you, I didn't even care that I had Lucas! Because I didn't have my baby. I woke up after surgery after our wedding and my baby was gone!'

Her voice broke and she saw tears leak out of Haley's eyes as tears blurred her own vision.

'And I knew that if I was to find a way to go on, I couldn't stay here. Not with the memories. Not with everyone. I had to find a way to make it through myself.'

They locked eyes and Haley saw the tears in Peyton's eyes as well.

'I'm sorry.' Haley said, her voice thick with emotion. She stood up then and came and sat next to Peyton on the edge of the desk, 'What're you going to do now?'

'I don't know.' Peyton said honestly.

'Lucas?' Haley asked tentatively.

'I don't know.' Peyton said again.

Haley nodded but pursed her lips before grasping the blonde's hand. 'I understand your reasons Peyton, I do and I'll try to let it go, I promise. But I wouldn't be a good friend to Lucas if I didn't tell you how he has been the last year. I need you to know that he has suffered just as you have, he was utterly distraught when you left. He felt it all with you Peyton. You _have_ to know that.'

'I know.' Peyton said sadly, closing her eyes as tears clouded her vision again.

'You really hurt him.' Haley said softly clasping Peyton's hand tightly. 'And I'm honestly not sure he'll fully get over that.'

_If this world starts to break your heart into pieces  
I will make you feel better and try to put you back together  
Oh_

She's been in town for a week and so far she hasn't seen Lucas. In a town so small she has a feeling that it's deliberate.

But she can't blame him, she hasn't exactly sought him out either.

She has been slowly easing herself into Tree Hill life and seeing Lucas was going to take a lot out of both of them.

The questions regarding her disappearance had stopped and although the past seven days had been hard she knew that the hardest part was yet to come.

She's rearranging her office on the eighth day when the decision is taken out of her hands.

'So the rumours are true.'

The voice behind her makes her jump, but knowing who it belongs to has her heart beating faster. Taking in a shaky shallow breath she turns and however much she has tried to prepare for this moment the breathe is knocked out of her.

He's standing by the door. Her eyes rake over him hungrily. She hasn't seen him in over a year. His hair is a little shorter but messier than she remembered it, he looks a little thinner but his eyes strike her the most. They're no longer a shining twinkling blue, the vibrant colour replaced with a dull grey. She wonders fleetingly whether her leaving or their daughter's death was the catalyst for the guarded look in his eyes.

'Hi.' She says and her voice shakes.

He doesn't say anything and she suddenly feels overwhelming guilt. Why hadn't she gone to see him when she'd returned? Anything was better than the look on his face right now.

'I'm sorry.' She began, quickly, 'I was going to see you, I've just been…' She gestures around her office lamely and finishes in a small voice, '…busy.'

'Evidently.' He replies, softly. But there's a hardened edge to his voice and she hates it.

'I wanted to.'

He looks at her then, his eyes finding hers and she suddenly realises that he hadn't been looking at her directly, that he is finding her eyes with his for the first time.

Something about that fact draws tears to her eyes.

'Why?' Lucas asks and the edge to his voice makes her break their eye contact. 'There's no reason for you to, we're not together.'

Her eyes snap up to his again, although he's technically correct a lump forms in her throat once more.

'R-right.' She says, clearing her throat.

'Why're you back?' He asks his voice faltering.

Peyton swallows, 'I didn't want to run anymore.'

Lucas chuckles darkly, rubbing the back of his neck, 'And you thought you'd come back here?'

'This is my home Lucas.'

Something inside Lucas snaps and he can't help but spit out, 'No, it _was_ your home.'

He looks away from her as her eyes fill with tears again, he doesn't want to look at her, he _can't_.

'So you decided to come back without so much as a phone call?"

'I didn't think you'd want to speak to me.' Peyton said softly and Lucas rolled his eyes, considering her.

She doesn't think she even knows the man before her, he seems so far removed from the man she used to know. From the man who was her husband, still is actually. Legally anyway.

But then again, could she blame him? Shame engulfed her as she looked at him, as she took in his rigid stance, his cold eyes. He spoke before she could say another word.

'Look, I don't know how long you're planning to stay, but I think it's best if we stay out of each other's way.'

'Luke.' She breathes, tears that were so close to the surface all the time these days slipping from her eyelids, down her cheeks. She sees him visibly stiffen at the shortened version of his name. She steps towards him but he instantly retreats.

'That's all I came to say.' He says quickly, his gaze on anything but her.

'Luke.' She says again and he closes his eyes, '_Please_.'

'What?' He asks sharply and the tears she's desperately trying to keep in threaten to fall again.

'Can we talk?'

His jaw locks as he finally looks at her , 'Talk?' He chuckles softly, but the laughter doesn't reach his eyes. 'You've had a year to talk Peyton.'

'I know-'

'You have had more than enough time to talk. And you chose not to.'

Lucas' voice is barely above normal but the air crackles with the tension.

'I understand that you're angry-'

'Angry?' Lucas says, and this time his voice rises, 'I'm not angry Peyton. I'm done.' He shrugs his shoulders and the tears finally escape her eyes, 'There's something I realised when you were gone, we were never meant to be.'

Peyton breathes in sharply, 'Don't-'

'People always leave right?' Lucas says interrupting her, 'All that fucking teenage angst and insecurity about people leaving and at the end of the day it was _you_ who left. Just like you always do, you ran when things got tough. You're the one that fucking leaves Peyton. And now I'm done.'

She feels like someone is squeezing her lungs, like someone is depriving her of all of the oxygen in the room. She barely notices when he leaves because his words are reverberating around her head.

He's right. She's a hypocrite. She's got no-one to blame but herself.

And he's done.

* * *

The moment Peyton rounds the corner and sees Lucas sitting at the table she stops, Brooke's hand on her arm makes her walk forward. But she cannot pretend that her heart hasn't suddenly just jumped into her throat.

It's been two weeks since Lucas and Peyton's blow out in her office and she hasn't seen him although she's thought about him constantly. The hurt on his face, the anguish in his eyes. Haley had been right, she'd _really_ hurt him. He could barely even look at her.

And she couldn't blame him. But at some point she needed to talk to him, they needed to discuss the last year. They couldn't just end like this.

And if he was being honest, if he really was done with her then they needed to discuss how they were going to move forward. Her heart jumped into her throat and she felt sick when she thought about the word plaguing her thoughts the last few weeks.

_Divorce._

Taking a seat at the furthest point away from Lucas they avoid each other's gaze. Brooke and Julian take a seat at the table too and abruptly Lucas stands to get drinks from the kitchen.

'Thanks for the heads up.' Lucas said cuttingly as he sees his best friend pouring drinks.

'She's our friend Luke.'

Lucas pursed his lips and Haley put a hand on his arm, 'Please, I know this is hard for you but please try. You're my best friend but I won't cut Peyton out. I know you've been through hell but so has she, you've both been through enough and you _both_ need your friends.'

Lucas closes his eyes as Haley walks past him into the dining room and he braces his hands against the counter. He hadn't been in Peyton's presence since he'd said those words in Tric, since he'd told her he was done. And he hadn't been aware that Haley's invite of dinner tonight had meant spending time with Brooke, Julian and his estranged wife.

Opening his eyes moments later he picks up the bottle of wine on the counter and proceeds back into the dining room. The dinner is awkward to say the least, something that he knows Haley is picking up on because she is suddenly the loudest, trying to make conversation and laughing at people's jokes. And a small, selfish part of him is pleased.

How could his friends possibly expect him and Peyton to interact as though nothing had happened?

Peyton watches Lucas surreptitiously throughout dinner, trying to gauge whether he is ok. Her eyes flicker as he picks up his wine glass with his left hand and she sees with a jolt that he's taken off his wedding ring. It's like a stab to the heart and for a second she struggles to draw breath. She excuses herself quickly and goes to the bathroom, locking the door behind her she braces herself against the sink.

She stares down at her own left hand. She'd taken off her engagement ring a while ago, for the simple reason that it reminded her of times she couldn't stand to remember at the moment. Of finding out about Sawyer, of Vegas and proposals at the spot where they'd had their first conversation all those years ago. But she'd kept her silver wedding band on, she couldn't bring herself to take it off.

No matter what happened, no matter how her actions may have spoken differently in the past year she still considered herself to be Lucas' wife. But apparently he didn't consider himself her husband anymore.

Why is she surprised?

She's only got herself to blame, she knows that. She left her husband just after they'd gotten married, did she expect him to just wait around? To just wait until she'd gotten her act together?

She realised that in focusing on keeping her head above water for the past year she hadn't realised how much she had ruined. In focusing on herself she had destroyed the one person she had professed to love forever in front of all of their friends and family. In sickness and in health, for richer and poorer, that's what they'd said to each other. That's what they'd promised.

And she'd not stuck to her vows. The realisation makes her shake. He has every right to be done with her.

Minutes later she walks back into the room, she sees the concern on Brooke's face but smiles at her friend and sits down. She will do this, she'll do this for her friends. Because it's not just about her. Lucas' eyes follow her movements but he doesn't say anything and just like that the dinner goes back to normal. Or as normal as it was before.

An hour or so later Peyton is talking about her newest prodige for Red Bedroom Records and Lucas is listening but is also staring at his wine glass. He's interested, of course he is. He finds it strange that he doesn't know what has been going on with Red Bedroom for the last year. He used to be her first port of call for everything work related.

But a certain part of him just wants her to shut up, it's like he can't stand the sound of her voice. He feels like it's physically inside him and he just wants to get out. To run. A different part of him wants to punish her, to yell at her, to say horrible things, to hurt her like she's hurt him.

There's an anger inside of him that he has never felt before. His hand grips his glass.

'… and so I said that he could do it, I mean I didn't want to leave him.'

Haley laughs and Lucas chuckles sardonically.

Nathan shoots him a warning look and there's silence for seconds before Haley swoops in quickly,

'So the label executives were happy for you to transfer back to Tree Hill?'

The question is asked loudly and it is obvious that she's trying to diffuse the tension.

'Ugh yeah.' Peyton says softly, ignoring Lucas. 'I mean I'm not abandoning Jackson-'

Lucas actually sniggers at this and Brooke says warningly, 'Lucas.'

'What? It's a little funny.' Lucas says with a smirk, a smirk that everyone notices doesn't reach his eyes. 'Just nice to know you don't abandon _everyone _you care about.'

'_Lucas_.' Haley hisses.

'I'm sorry, have I ruined the mood?' Lucas says, sitting up straight, his eyes wide, throwing his napkin down on the table, 'Seriously, am I the only one thinking how fucked up this is?'

Peyton stands abruptly and drops her napkin on the table before walking quickly out of the room. There's a ringing silence left in her wake, he knows everyone's looking at him and a small part of him feels bad. The other bigger part of him is pissed off that he's in this situation in the first place.

He looks up and Nathan's eyes are on him, 'Go after her.'

The look on his brother's face makes him get up quickly and follow Peyton through the door.

* * *

He steps out onto the patio and Peyton is sitting on a chair overlooking the pool. Her shoulders shake a little and he feels like an ice cube has been dropped in his stomach.

He doesn't want to hurt her, he really doesn't.

'Peyton.' He says softly reaching her.

Her finger swipes her eyes before she looks at him, 'What do you want from me?'

Her question stumps him, what does he want? He honestly has no idea.

'First you want nothing to do with me, then you mock me in front of our friends. You're the one who didn't want to talk Lucas, you're the one who didn't want me to tell you-'

'Talk then!' Lucas said loudly, throwing his hands into the air, 'Talk! Tell me! Tell me what was so fucking important that you thought leaving me was your only choice!'

'I didn't _leave_ you-'

'Cut the bullshit Peyton, you left!' Lucas shouted, 'You left town for a year! We spoke barely more than five times. You left me!'

'I was dying Lucas!' Peyton exclaimed, standing up and Lucas stared at her unblinking, 'When our baby girl died a part of me _died_!'

There are tears streaming down her face now and his heart breaks as she said the words they hadn't said out loud in over a year.

'I know.' He said softly, his anger dissipating instantly.

'You don't, you _don't_ know.' Peyton insisted, hiccupping slightly as a sob escapes her throat, 'You tried. You _tried_. But you don't know.'

'You think I didn't die a little bit too?' He asked and the anger in his voice is back, 'I nearly lost you. I nearly lost you on our wedding day and then our daughter died and- do you not remember all of that? Do you not remember the months of worrying, the months of complete fear leading up to her birth?'

Peyton put a hand in front of her mouth, choking on a sob and he wanted desperately to hold her, to comfort her. But he couldn't. He wouldn't.

'I _died_ too.' Lucas repeated, his eyes blazing. 'But not once did I think of leaving you, not once did I believe we were stronger apart than we were together.'

And Peyton knew he was right, a part of him did die alongside their daughter. When she'd woken up from surgery five days after their wedding he had been inconsolable. He'd had to tell her what had happened to their little girl, that she'd lived for 40 hours hooked up to a machine, that he'd not known whether either of them were going to survive and she had never seen him so distraught. He'd choked out the words and she had lain there, motionless, unblinking, unfeeling.

And she'd stayed that way for two weeks.

And then the dam broke and all the grief that she'd not allowed herself to feel was expelled from her, she broke in front of her husband and her friends eyes. And she felt pain like she'd never felt before.

She wasn't a stranger to grief. After all, both her mothers had died before she was even out of high school.

But this was different. This was all-consuming, all-encompassing.

And no one could help her, no one, no matter how much they tried. She knew Lucas understood, she knew he felt it all too. But she felt so _detached_ from him, so detached from herself even.

It was like nothing she'd ever felt before.

And she was still living with the ramifications a year and a half later.

'Being here was slowly killing me Lucas.' Peyton said softly, through her tears. 'I would have suffocated here.'

'Why didn't you talk to me?' Lucas asked pleadingly, tears leaking out of his eyes too, 'Why didn't you let me help you?'

'I should have.' Peyton said softly, closing her eyes, 'But you were a reminder Luke, a reminder of our baby. I woke up from surgery and all I saw was you and you told me the worst news I have ever received.'

'So it's my fault?' Lucas asked hotly, tears clouding his vision again.

'No!' Peyton exclaimed. 'That's not what I'm saying-'

'Stop, just stop.' Lucas spat, 'I don't care Peyton, I don't care anymore. You gave up on us, you gave up on our family and I will never forgive you for that.'

His eyes are blazing and his hands are shaking, he stares at her for a second and all she can see is disgust in his eyes. She chokes out a sob and his hands tremble at his sides, before any more words are spoken he stalks away from her, the door slamming behind him alerts Peyton to the fact that he's gone back into the house.

_It's always on the table, so tell me if you're able  
To see me like I see you every time you wake up  
Well this is the bed we made_

Haley walks into the store and sees Brooke behind the counter, sidling up to her friend she asks,

'What're you working on?'

'New designs.' Brooke says glumly and they both look at each other.

'So last night was a bad idea.' Haley admits, her expression gloomy.

'Uh yeah.' Brooke says obviously, 'Last night was a _terrible_ idea. But it wasn't your fault, Nate, Julian and I went along with it.'

Haley runs a hand through her hair, 'I just thought if everyone was together things might have gone back to how they were for a while, you know.'

'I do.' Brooke replies sympathetically. 'It was a valiant effort Tutor wife.'

Haley smiles at her friend, 'How's Peyton this morning?'

'Refusing to talk about it. She was at work before I'd even left the house'

Haley nods again, going silent. 'Shall we take her a coffee?'

'I think she'd appreciate it.'

Ten minutes later they walked into Tric and into Peyton's office, stopping dead on the threshold. There were sheets everywhere and Peyton was by the far wall painting.

'Okkkk.' Brooke said slowly and Peyton swivelled around.

'Hey guys.'

As they walked closer Haley took the chance to look at her friend. Her hair was in a ponytail, strands falling down and shaping her face, she looked pale and her eyes were a little swollen. It's obvious she hadn't slept a lot the night before and that she'd been crying.

'Can I just say sorry for last night?' Haley said and Peyton waved away her apology.

'I'm the one who's sorry.' Peyton disagreed, 'I'm sorry that we can't have a civil dinner together.'

Haley and Brooke watched as she placed a hand to her forehead, 'It just hurts. All of it. Being here. Lucas. Sawyer.'

'I know honey.' Brooke said grasping her hand.

'It won't be like this forever.' Haley reassured.

A knock at her door stole their attention away.

'Peyton Scott?' The man asked holding out an envelope. Peyton walked over to him and took the envelope from him, tearing it open.

Haley and Brooke watched as her expression changed, how the little colour in her cheeks drained and how the tremble of her hands made the papers shake. Before they could say a word she was out of the door.

* * *

'Really?' He looks up to see Peyton striding towards him, brandishing papers in front of him.

He has the resolve to look a little guilty.

'Really?' She asks again and her voice breaks a little, 'Divorce papers Luke.'

Lucas shrugged but when he met her eyes he felt a lump form in his throat.

'You're giving up, you're done. Does our marriage mean this little to you?'

The lump vanished as he squinted angrily at her, 'Are you being serious?'

Her fury faltered slightly under his gaze, 'You left three months after we'd gotten married. You were gone for a year. _You_ left _me_ Peyton. Our marriage meant that little to _you.'_

She didn't know what to say, she hadn't left him. Emotionally she could never truly leave him. But physically she had, she'd left him when he needed her most. And she didn't know how to explain it any more than she already had.

'This should have happened a long time ago.' Lucas said and he was astonished to hear that his voice was relatively calm.

She had no idea how to respond, all she could feel was crushing pain. Lucas wanted a divorce. He was divorcing her.

Refusing to let Lucas see her tears she turned on her heel and left his office and he honestly had no idea how to feel.

* * *

Peyton stormed into the house, slamming the door behind her. She choked back a sob as she looked at Brooke and Julian standing in the kitchen, they were staring at her and Brooke stepped forward.

'Peyt, where did you go?'

Peyton slammed the papers down on the breakfast bar and said, 'He wants a divorce.'

Then she let out the sob she'd been holding in and Brooke was around the corner in an instant, gathering the blonde in her arms. She felt Peyton's legs give way and lowered them both to the ground as the blonde cried in her arms.

'It's over Brooke.' Peyton moaned, 'It's over.'

Brooke brushed the curls off the blonde's face and held onto her even tighter than before. Her eyes met Julian's and he looked scared out of his mind. Brooke smiled reassuringly at her husband and he sat down on the floor with them, taking one of Peyton's hands and interlinking their fingers. After a moment he felt her grip it tight.

* * *

'Lucas Scott!'

The yell came from his kitchen and he winced at the tone, Brooke Davis-Baker hadn't spoken to him in that tone in a good few years. The few times she had, it was inevitably about her curly haired friend.

Stepping into the kitchen he said, 'Yes?'

'What are these?' Brooke asked, hotly.

He watched as she thrust the papers at him, he didn't have to look at them to know what they were. He swallowed.

'Divorce papers.' He said softly and sat down heavily at the kitchen table.

'Why would you send her these?!'

'Because I want a divorce, they're pretty self-explanatory.'

Brooke's nostrils flared and her eyes flashed, he kind of regretted that last comment.

'Are you trying to kill her?' She asked, fury lacing her tone.

'No.' Lucas said calmly, 'I'm doing something that should have been done a long time ago. I'm allowing us both to move on.'

'You think a _divorce_ will help you move on?' Brooke asked disbelievingly. 'You think pretending like your marriage never happened, pretending like Sawyer Scott never happened-'

He stood up in an instant, 'Do _not_ say her name.'

He said the words in a low voice but it was such a dangerous tone that it made Brooke think twice about continuing.

She carried on but this time in a softer tone, 'What happened is still affecting you both. You're both still devastated. You think you'll be able to get over this without each other?'

'I know we can't get over it _with_ each other.' Lucas countered.

'You've fought so hard to be together Lucas, how can you just throw it all away?' Brooke asked, disbelievingly.

He stared at the papers on the table and then looked back up at Brooke, 'Because some things are too much to forgive and forget. Sometimes no matter what you do or how you feel, things don't work out and it's best to accept that and move on.'

With that Brooke picked up the papers and walked wordlessly over to the door, she turned at the door and said finally,

'She's sorry Luke, she really is. And she loves you, more than anything. She may not have shown it over the last year but she does. If you don't try, you'll regret it, I know you will. .'

He stared at her, stoically stubborn. With one last glance at him she was out of the door and when she'd gone he let his head fall in his hands.

_I know it's a little strange  
To give me all your aches and pains  
And I'll do the same_

'Knock knock.' Haley said as she opened the door to Lucas' kitchen.

Seeing Lucas sitting at the table, his head in his hands Haley rushed over. Placing her arm around him and her head on his shoulder she squeezed him tightly. Looking at the table her heart sank as she saw what had gotten him in the state that he was in currently. Photos. Photos of Lucas and Peyton's wedding were strewn across the table.

Peyton had already left town when he'd received the prints and he'd been too bitter to sit and look through them, instead he'd thrown them in a box and hid the box in the spare room. She had an idea that sending the divorce papers earlier that day had affected him more than he was letting on.

Haley's eyes scan the photos quickly, there's one of Lucas and Haley dancing right next to Nathan and Peyton, all four laughing animatedly. There's another photo of Brooke and Peyton, hugging fiercely with matching grins. The photo right under his eyeline is of him and Peyton sitting at the table sharing a kiss. Another sits next to it, Lucas and Peyton on the dance floor, Lucas' hand on her baby bump. The smiles on both their faces is evident.

She squeezes Lucas a little tighter.

'What're you doing buddy?' She asks softly but he doesn't respond. 'Divorce papers, really?' She probes and he finally lifts his head out of his hands.

'How did this happen Haley?' Lucas asks brokenly. 'How did I end up without a daughter and without a wife?'

'You _have_ a wife.' Haley said strongly, pleadingly, 'Peyton is still here Luke.'

Lucas scoffs and stands up abruptly, pacing the kitchen. Haley watches in despair as his hands fist around the back of his head. She can tell that he's going through a massive amount of emotional turmoil right now.

'You don't need to go through with the divorce.' Haley says tentatively.

Lucas scoffs again, 'And what do we do if we don't divorce? Live happily ever after? I can't. Too much has happened, we've hurt each other too much.'

'I'm not saying it'll be easy.' Haley replies, 'It won't be. It's gonna be really hard.'

'I can't.' Lucas said and Haley's heart breaks as his voice says the words, 'I can't forgive her.'

Haley stood up, stopping Lucas' pacing and holding onto his arms, 'You need to find a way Luke because this is not healthy. This anger, this hatred. It's not doing you any good. You need to find a way to forgive her, whether you get back together or not. Else you'll never be able to move on.'

He looked at her, his eyes rimmed red and she placed a palm on his cheek.

'I know she's hurt you. But believe me she knows it too. And she hates herself for it, more than you could ever hate her.'

* * *

A week passes and Lucas thinks a lot about Haley's words. He's trying, he really is. To be civil, to be an adult. But every time he sees her he just has this anger build up inside of him and he can't really control what his actions are after that.

Tonight is Peyton's relaunch of her label in TRIC, he knew (from Haley) that she had been building up to this event for the past two months and when Haley had tentatively said he should attend he hadn't even thought twice about it.

That was before he'd arrived though. Ever since he'd set eyes on her he feels himself getting irate. He watches as she talks to members of staff, his eyes sweeping her figure, taking in her attire. He watches as she laughs and he thinks, how can she be so normal? How can she act so normal? When all he feels in the pit of his stomach is fiery resentment.

He watches as she talks with the bar tender, laughing at something he says and feeling his blood pressure rising he walks quickly over to them.

'Have you signed them yet?' Lucas asks, his tone abrupt cutting off the conversation with the bar tender straight away.

'Hello Peyton, how are you?' Peyton answers sarcastically, turning away from the bar to face Lucas.

His jaw is set as he looks at her, his eyes a steely grey. She deflates under his gaze.

'Can we not discuss this tonight please.'

'Why not?' Lucas asks, angrily.

'It's the relaunch of my label at TRIC Lucas.' Peyton hisses, gesturing to the packed Tric, their friends standing merely an ear shot away.

'So?' He asks coldly.

She stares at him. He blinks a little under her gaze, suddenly feeling ashamed for how he was acting. This was an important night, she had been building up Red Bedroom Records again and the night was a complete success. He hadn't seen Tric this packed in months, in fact probably since she'd been behind the scenes organising things.

And he is proud of her. He isn't so pig-headed to not feel proud of her.

He's just having a really hard time in showing her.

'You really hate me that much huh?' Peyton asks, her eyes watering.

Lucas dodged the question, 'Sign the divorce papers Peyton. You owe me that much.'

Peyton's eyes widened, 'Owe you?!'

'Yes.' Lucas sad loudly.

'No.'

'No?' Lucas squinted.

'No.' Peyton repeated, 'I'm not signing them. I won't.'

'Why?' Lucas asked angrily, his voice rising.

'Because you may be ready to throw in the towel but I'm not.' Peyton said, her eyes meeting his. 'I'm not giving up.'

'You already did!' Lucas said loudly, slamming his beer on the counter. 'You gave up on this marriage long before I did -!'

'I didn't-'

Lucas cut in front of her, stepping closer to her, 'Yes you did. _You_ ended this marriage, I'm just the one dealing with the formalities.'

Nathan was beside them in an instant as soon as Peyton opened her mouth to argue, having witnessed Lucas slamming his bottle onto the bar and hearing their voices rise from where he stood with Brooke, Haley and Julian.

'Come on guys.' He said placing a hand on the bar between them. 'Not tonight.'

'No Nathan.' Lucas said hotly, 'She deserves to hear a few home truths.'

'Not here.' Nathan said firmly, his gaze turning to Lucas. 'Not now.'

Taking a step backwards Lucas relented but downed his beer and slammed it on the bar again. Stepping towards Peyton he pointed a finger at her and said, 'Do us both a favour and sign the damn papers' and then stalked off, bumping shoulders roughly with Nathan on his way past. They watched as he threw open the door of Tric and stalked out.

Peyton's chin wobbled and Nathan grabbed her shoulder, 'Hey, don't let him ruin tonight.'

Peyton nodded, 'Right, you're right.'

The lights dimmed again and Peyton seemed to snap into manager mode and Nathan was left alone at the bar. Brooke, Haley and Julian joined him a moment later.

'Good save.' Brooke commented.'When are they going to stop being so angry with each other?'

'I don't know.' Haley said, 'I really felt like I'd gotten through to Lucas last week and now it feels like we're back to square one.'

The four friends eyes fell on Peyton as she bustled onto the stage wondering what the future held for their two best friends. It was clear that neither Lucas or Peyton forgave themselves for what had happened let alone each other.

* * *

Peyton smiled as she saw her best friend and Haley standing at the bar, the gig had come together and despite the heated exchanges with Lucas and the obvious emotional discord within their group she was feeling accomplished for the first time since she'd returned to Tree Hill.

She'd pulled off something really great here and she'd done it all on her own. It had taken her back to the days when Red Bedroom Records had been her reason to get up in the morning, her passion, her drive.

She missed that. And tonight she felt like she could get it back.

Slightly marred by the fact that Lucas had left after their argument but she chose to ignore that for the moment. Walking closer to her friends she frowned slightly as she realised they were having what seemed to be an intense exchange.

'You think she's not gonna notice you getting bigger?'

'I know.' Brooke groaned.

'I can't believe you haven't told her.' Haley exclaimed. 'She's your best friend!'

'She lost a child!' Brooke said, 'I don't want to rub it in Hales.'

Haley shook her head, 'You and I both know she would not make this about her. You're scared to hurt her but you're not gonna be able to hide it for much longer.'

'I was hoping someone might have let it slip.' Brooke grumbled.

'Brooke!' Haley exclaimed, 'Peyton deserves to hear your pregnant from you. She doesn't deserve to hear it from anyone else.'

'Alright, alright.' Brooke said impatiently.

Peyton backed into the shadows, digesting the information, her stomach turning over. Her best friend was pregnant. Her best friend was having a baby. And she hadn't wanted to tell her.

Slipping quietly away she walked into her office, locking it behind her. She didn't turn on the lights but instead went to her desk and sat down on the chair behind it. Opening a drawer she pulled out a bottle of whiskey and unscrewed the cap, sitting down and taking a swig.

How could she not have realised?

How could she have been so self involved to not have noticed something so pivotal happening in her friends life?

She'd hurt Lucas, she'd destroyed their marriage, she'd alienated Brooke and Nathan and Haley. Why was she surprised that they held her at arm's length? Had she thought that life would just stop as soon as she left Tree Hill? And start again when she returned?

She must have sat there for at least an hour, slowly tearing the label off the whiskey bottle in between swigs. As soon as the shock had worn off the crushing reality hit her. She was beyond happy for her best friend and for Julian but a small selfish part of her seemed to crumble away. Brooke was having a baby. Peyton had had a baby. She lost that baby.

And it seemed to hit her harder every day. Seeing Lily and Jamie and Lydia, knowing Brooke was having a child of her own just reminded her that she wasn't, she wasn't even close.

It made her think about how old Sawyer would be now, how much she would have grown and changed. How much she would have been loved by everyone around her.

Peyton stood abruptly, grabbing her bag and wandering through the deserted Tric. Realising she had had too much whiskey to drive she started to walk, dimly aware that walking anywhere after dark probably wasn't the best idea.

She stopped short when she reached Lucas' house. She'd had no idea her feet were going to lead her this way. Without thinking she went to his back door and knocked softly.

If anyone was going to understand, he would.

_If this house burns to the ground into ashes  
We will hold it together  
We will hold it together_

The door opened and Lucas stared at her, squinting. His hair was in disarray and he was wearing a t shirt and some boxers. She'd woken him up, that much was clear.

'I'm-' Peyton started but her voice trembled.

Lucas studied her with growing concern, she looked like she'd been crying and there was a faint smell of alcohol around her. Despite their earlier argument he was worried.

'Brooke-' Peyton tried again, 'She's pregnant.'

His brow evened out in acknowledgment. He nodded, a lump forming in his throat as he saw the tears slowly leak out of her eyes. Grabbing her arm gently he pulled her into his bedroom and shut the door, his arms going around her instantly as she cried silently into his chest.

And she relished at being in his arms again, feeling him around her. She hadn't so much as touched him in over a year. She raised her head a moment later.

'You knew.' It wasn't a question, more of a statement.

He nodded again.

'Why didn't you tell me?' She asked brokenly.

'It's not my secret to tell.' Lucas said softly, 'Besides I thought you'd want to hear it off Brooke.'

Peyton shook her head, 'I would have liked to have heard it from you.'

'Why?' Lucas asked, his brow furrowing.

'Because you probably feel the same way I do right now. And you probably feel as selfish as I do for even feeling it.'

Lucas' eyes flashed with the same pain that Peyton was feeling and without warning he closed his eyes tightly, Peyton was surprised to see a tear leak out from his closed eyelids. Placing her palm against his cheek she looked into his eyes before positioning her hand on the back of his neck, pulling him to her and wrapping her other arm tightly around him. This time it was his head against her shoulder, her arms holding him securely, safely.

And Lucas felt truly cared for, for the first time since their daughter's death. She hadn't hugged him like this, as though she wanted to rid away his pain and suffering, in over a year and all the emotion he felt rushed forward.

All he'd wanted when his daughter had died was Peyton's presence, her hold. And until this moment he hadn't realised how much he'd needed just _her_.

He raised his head and their eyes met, watery blue meeting watery green. Her palm flat against his cheek, his hands clasping her upper arms. There were tear tracks on her cheeks and his thumb rubbed over them softly. As he caught her bottom lip his eyes met hers and without thinking he leaned forward, brushing his lips against hers. He pulled away quickly but her gaze met his again and Peyton made the second move stepping forward, pressing her lips against his before pulling away, testing the waters. Their gaze burned into each other and he reached forward, his hand grasped the back of her head, pulling her against him as he pressed his mouth to hers again, this time their lips meeting fervently.

Their kiss deepens and his hand moves into her hair angling her mouth against his. And she's gripping the front of his t shirt furiously as she breaks away, their breathing ragged, their chests heaving. There's a ghost of a smile on Lucas' lips and Peyton's heart skips a beat, she hasn't seen that look from him in a ridiculously long time and she wants to keep it there.

She never wants to be without it.

Peyton lets go of the front of his t shirt to find the hem instead, pushing it up his body and over his head. He unbuttons her shirt, his fingers fumbling on the last couple and Peyton pushes the fabric over her shoulders so it flutters to the floor. His gaze takes in her half naked form and his eyes burn into hers. She can see his desire and she wants him to know that she feels it too, she feels it all. Standing on her tiptoes she brushes her lips over his again, softly again, testing. Any last resolve crumbles as her lips move to the corner of his mouth, his cheek, his neck. His hands slip to the back of her thighs and he lifts her effortlessly, turning them round so he's pressing her into the wall.

It's pretty clear on both sides that this is something they both want. It feels so good to be this close again, to relish in being pressed against each other. Her hands are everywhere, in his hair, gripping his biceps, on his back. It's like she's trying to remember every part of him. And he's powerless but to make sure she doesn't fall.

She presses a finger under his chin, lifting it to meet her eyes and she smiles at him. Her eyes sparkle slightly and his breathe catches in his throat as the corners of his mouth twitch upwards. He kisses her then and she deepens it instantly, her hand gripping the back of his neck tightly.

He senses her desperation, he senses this is the relief she's been searching for but he doesn't question it because he's right there with her.

For the first time in so many months, in years actually, they were feeling the exact same way.

'Bed.' She murmurs against his lips, his hands gripping her ass tightly. He takes heed and turns round, walking a few paces before dropping her unceremoniously on the bed. She pulls him down with her and it's all hands and lips and teeth and tongue.

He flips open the button on her jeans and pushes them down as far as he can before kissing her thighs, his eyes fall to her stomach and he stops.

He sees the scar. All that remained of the pregnancy was this scar, her caesarean scar. The only permanent reminder that Sawyer existed.

'Luke.'

The whisper has him raising his head, looking at Peyton lying before him. Her face swims as he looks at her and he realises tears are obstructing his vision. He squeezes his eyes shut and feels her hands against his cheeks, pulling him upwards one of her thumbs smoothing over his cheek as her other arm pulls him closer. Her lips on his, her tongue slipping into his mouth and he kisses her back with just as much emotion. His body melts into hers, his hands grasping onto her. He can feel her pushing down his boxers and he takes over, stepping out of them and pulling her panties down her legs with the remainder of her jeans.

He hovers over her and threads his fingers with hers, lifting her hand above her head. His eyes meet hers, silently asking whether she wants to carry on. She bites her lip and nods her head just a fraction and within minutes he's sliding into her. Her eyes flicker closed and she gasps. Lucas stills, letting her adjust and kisses her cheek. He moves only when she starts to rock her hips gently and opens her eyes to meet his. The chain around his neck tickles her as it hits her collarbone and as it catches her eyes she stills her movements completely, catching hold of it.

Looped through the chain is his wedding band.

When she'd returned all those weeks ago now and she'd seen he'd taken off his ring she'd believed he'd given up, believed he'd let her go. This had only been confirmed when she'd gotten served divorce papers. But this- surely this meant he hadn't given up.

Surely, this meant he wasn't done.

The emotions she felt at seeing the ring they'd picked out together made tears leak out of her eyes. Lucas' thumb immediately brushes them away, his mouth kissing away a few stray ones.

A whispered apology passes his lips but she shakes her head. He has nothing to apologise for. His head falls to the crick of her neck and when she shifts her hips he starts to move again. Lucas raises his head after a few moments and Peyton immediately pulls his lips down to hers, Lucas' fingers clasp onto hers tightly and although she has no idea what's going to happen she somehow thinks this is a step.

A step forward.

_If this world starts to break your heart into pieces  
I will make you feel better and try to put you back together  
Oh_

'Where the hell have you been?!'

Peyton closes her eyes as she shuts the door behind her and takes a deep breathe. Opening them she twirls around.

'Shopping.' She says, her tone bright.

Brooke eyes narrow, 'All night?' She asks and Peyton's heart jumps.

'I bought you a gift.' Peyton held up a bag and Brooke's eyes flicker for the briefest of seconds to the bag in her hands in interest. Then she seemed to pull herself together.

'I was worried sick!'

Peyton sighed again, 'Ok, I'm sorry. I should have called or text you.'

'Where were you?!'

'Brooke.' Peyton said sternly, 'I don't want to talk about it.'

Brooke's eyes narrowed again, taking in Peyton's appearance, taking in the fact that she was wearing the same clothes as last night, 'Were you with with someone?'

'Brooke!' Peyton exclaimed as Julian spluttered into his coffee, 'What did I just say!'

They stared each other down, neither saying a word.

'I never thought I'd see the day Brooke Davis-Baker would turn down a gift.' Peyton said with a small smirk.

'I'm not turning it down!' Brooke said quickly.

'Good.' Peyton said, taking off her shoes and placing down her bag. She walked closer to Brooke and dangled the bag in front of her. In spite of herself Brooke scowled and snatched the bag off her friend. Peyton laughed and Julian looked over, interestedly. Brooke pulled out a small onesie and dropped the bag in surprise. She fingered the white material and one finger traced the outline of the words stitched to the front 'Badass like my godmother'. Brooke's eyes met Peyton's who smiled warmly.

'Congratulations.' She said softly and Brooke promptly burst into tears.

'Honey!' Peyton exclaimed pulling her best friend into her arms.

'I'm sorry.' Brooke sobbed.

'Don't be ridiculous.' Peyton said into her friends hair. Julian walked past them, giving Peyton a wink and a squeeze on the shoulder as she held his wife.

'How did you find out?' Brooke asked five minutes later as they sat at the breakfast bar with a mug of tea each.

'It doesn't matter.' Peyton said shaking her head, 'What matters is that you thought you couldn't tell me. You couldn't tell me something that I _know_ you're over the moon about.'

'I'm sorry.' Brooke said again, closing her eyes before opening them, 'I was scared. I didn't want to hurt you Peyton.'

'This isn't about me.' Peyton said strongly. 'This is about you and I'm so happy for you.'

Brooke's eyes filled with tears, 'Really?'

'Duh!' Peyton rolled her eyes and Brooke threw her arms around her again, Peyton closed her eyes on her friends shoulder breathing deeply trying to keep any tears at bay.

'Are you ok?' Brooke asked cautiously as they broke apart.

'Fine.' Peyton said with a smile.

'I really am sorry.' Brooke said, eyeing her friend. She couldn't completely dismiss the shadows under her friends eyes and the redness rimming the outsides. She knew that meant her friend had been crying and had not slept all that much. She squeezed Peyton's arm.

Peyton dismissed her with a wave of her hand before fingering the material of the tiny onesie, 'Do you like it?'

'I love it!' Brooke exclaimed. 'One problem though…'

'Tell me you haven't asked Haley to be godmother.' Peyton said quickly, looking playfully angry.

'No.' Brooke laughed, 'But I'm gonna need another one.'

'Another one?' Peyton asked, slowly.

'I'm having twins.'

'Twins?!' Peyton cried. 'Wow.'

'I know.' Brooke said, studying Peyton's reaction.

'That's crazy.'

'I know it's crazy, I'm worried constantly.' Brooke said again, 'The babies are gonna have a pretty badass godmother though.'

Peyton looked at her, 'Both of them?'

Brooke nodded with a smile, 'If you'll have us all?'

'Of course I will.' Peyton said and then the tears broke free and Brooke pulled her best friend into a hug. They broke apart and Peyton wiped away her tears,

'Wow.' She said, sniffing. Placing a hand on Brooke's stomach she realised that there was a bump, a bump she hadn't realised was there before. 'Hey babies. It's your godmother here.'

Brooke's eyes clouded with tears and she held on tightly to Peyton's hand as they sat and sipped their tea. They talked for a while about the pregnancy, symptoms, when Brooke had found out.

'So I have your first question as godmother.' Brooke said picking up her mug after they'd exhausted all pregnancy topics for the time being .

'Shoot.' Peyton said, excitement lacing her tone.

'Were you with someone last night?'

'How is that a godmother question? It has nothing to do with the babies.' Peyton asked, rolling her eyes.

'It's not.' Brooke shrugged, 'But if you wanna be godmother you gotta answer.'

Peyton shook her head at Brooke but couldn't stop the laugh at her best friends devious smile.

'Fine.' She said, throwing her hands in the air, 'Yes, I was with someone.'

Brooke's face flickered with surprise, 'Wow, I actually didn't think you were gonna say that.'

'You asked.' Peyton said dryly.

'I know, I'm just surprised that's all.' Brooke said softly, 'Look I'm not being judgy so don't take this the wrong way. But I gotta say i'm shocked. You're married Peyton. Plus you love Lucas, I mean I thought you didn't want to give up on him.'

Peyton stared at her cup, 'I'm not giving up.' She said, fixing her eyes on Brooke, 'That's why I was with Lucas.'

Brooke's eyes widened again, 'What?! But you had an argument last night at Tric, he left, you-' She stopped for a second, 'You left too, I couldn't find you when the bar was closing.'

Peyton avoided her friend's eyes, 'Yes.' She said simply.

'How the hell did you end up in his bed?!'

Peyton's hands covered her eyes, 'I'm not really sure.'

'Wow.' Brooke said softly. 'I gotta say, I'm surprised but then also not really.'

Peyton looked at her, a question in her eyes.

'Oh come on P.' Brooke scoffed but Peyton continued to look at her quizzically. 'Anyone who sees the two of you knows you're both struggling to let go of how you feel about each other. There's still so much tension between you and that tension can only lead to two things, arguing and sex. You've pretty much aced the arguing thing so there really was only one other option.'

Peyton looks at her mug again with a small smile, 'It just- it didn't feel like that, it wasn't hate sex or closure sex or- it just, it felt different.'

'What do you mean?'

'It felt like we were really connected for the first time in a long while.'

Brooke smiled happily, 'And that's a good thing.'

Peyton eyes meet Brooke's again and she nods softly, contemplatively.

And as they sat together they each had no idea what the next step would bring.

* * *

The next couple of days went by without incident for Peyton. She kept to herself mostly, travelling from Brooke and Julian's to Tric and back again. She was working harder than ever, drowning out what was happening around her.

But there were quiet moments in her office when she couldn't help but think about the reality of everyone's lives at this point in time.

Brooke was pregnant with twins. Nathan and Haley had created the perfect little family. And her and Lucas…

She glanced at the photo in her desk drawer, the photo she hadn't quite had the strength to throw away just yet. She hadn't spoken to Lucas since she'd found out Brooke was pregnant, since she'd gone to his house, since-

She blushed a little.

She didn't know what it all meant.

All she knew was that they'd reached some kind of middle ground.

Lucas hadn't asked her to sign the divorce papers again, in fact he hadn't spoken to her at all. She hadn't seen him once and she was kind of grateful.

Two hours later she was still in her office sorting through old paperwork when she came across a diary. Fingering the lettering on the front she realised it was from two years previously. Opening it she saw the print in the front 'Peyton Sawyer (Scott)'. Smiling softly she rifled through, stopping at pages here and there, 'Studio with Haley 12-4pm', 'Mia's album drop'. Her smile faltered slightly when she saw things like 'Jamie's birthday party', 'Dinner at the Scott's'. Tears flooded her eyes when she saw, '12 week scan' and 'midwife appointment'. She turned the page and she felt like her heart stopped beating altogether. Turning the grainy black and white photo onto its side she stared at her scan photo. The first photo she'd ever seen of her baby.

The tears slowly leaked from her eyes as she held onto the photo tightly, the black and white image blurring under her gaze. Grief hitting her like a tidal wave.

_I, I, I wonder  
If you're walking down all the same lanes_

Driving to the cemetery he stopped the car and let out a deep breathe.

The last few days had been hard. Since he had shared the night with Peyton he wasn't sure of anything anymore. He felt kind of lost, consumed by thoughts of how his life could have looked at this point, how happy he could have been. And he'd realised that all he wanted to do was spend time with his daughter.

Picking up the lily's from his passenger seat he opened the door and proceeded into the cemetery. When he reached the grave he stared down at it.

_Sawyer Brooke Scott_

_10__th__ May-12__th__ May 2009_

He looked to the left hand side and tilted his head in recognition to Anna Sawyer. Taking a single lily out of the bunch in his hand he placed it on the top of Anna's grave.

'Hi Mrs Sawyer.' He said softly before turning his eyes back to his daughters grave.

As he read the words they'd picked out he felt a lump form in his throat. It never got easier, he couldn't see a time when it wouldn't hurt.

He stooped and placed the bunch of lily's down. He let his fingers trace the curve of 'Sawyer' and whispered, 'Hey baby girl.'

Movement out of the corner of his eye caught his attention and he turned his head to see Peyton, she'd stopped in her tracks and he figured she must have noticed him as he noticed her. She had two lily's in her hands.

He looked at her and she spoke softly,

'I'm sorry, I didn't know you'd be here, I'm sorry - I'll go..'

She went to turn away but Lucas stood up reaching out and grasping her hand, 'No.' He said quickly. 'Stay.'

She looked at him and he saw the weariness in her eyes, the hurt, the grief and his heart broke a little for her.

For them.

'Please stay?' He asked softly, holding her hand a little tighter.

'Ok.' She said timidly and he let go of her hand as they both turned to the graves before them. Peyton side stepped him and went first to her mother's grave,

'Hi mom.' She said softly, her eyes caught the lily resting atop her headstone and she glanced at Lucas who averted his eyes, smiling gently. Placing her lily by Lucas' she turned to her baby's grave and read the words etched onto the stone. Her eyes filled with tears, she placed the lily on the headstone and then knelt down, clasping her hands together.

'Hi baby, mommy's here.' She said and her voice wavered, Lucas placed a hand on her shoulder before sitting down next to her.

They didn't say anything for a long time, they just simply sat there, taking calm from the quietness around them. Staring at their daughters grave, overcome with emotion.

'I can see her so clearly Luke.' Peyton said after a while, her voice hoarse.

'I know.' Lucas agreed closing his eyes, he could see her too. A little girl with unruly blonde curly hair and blue eyes. A girl with a sassy attitude but a love for reading. A girl who loved her mother and father just as much as they loved her.

He could see it all.

He'd dreamt about it for years.

'She'd be exactly like you.' Lucas said softly.

'I always thought she'd be more like you.' Peyton mused and looked at him, her eyes watering. 'Blue eyes…'

'…curly blonde hair.' Lucas interrupted and the tears escaped from Peyton's eyes before she looked back at the grave.

'I'm sorry.' She said in a whisper, 'I'm so sorry I couldn't save you Sawyer. I should have. I should have been able to.'

She finished her sentence with a sob and put a hand to her mouth, she turned her gaze to Lucas again.

'I couldn't save our baby girl. I couldn't save her.'

'It's not your fault.' Lucas said, tears leaking out of his own eyes as he watched Peyton succumb to her grief.

'I couldn't keep her safe.' Peyton whimpered and Lucas gripped her arms pulling her into his grasp as she sobbed. He cupped the back of her head and held her tightly whispering incoherent words over and over into her ear as she cried on his shoulder.

The stayed like that for a while until Peyton calmed down, she turned her head in his shoulder to gaze at her daughter's grave again but didn't loosen her grip on him and he didn't falter in his either.

For the first time it felt like they were leaning on each other, for the first time it felt like they were succumbing to the grief together.

Her hands gripped the arm that was around her and he pressed his lips to the side of her head as they lost themselves in memories.

Peyton was thinking about everything she could have done differently in the last year. She was thinking about all the time she'd wasted, all the time she'd taken to run away from her grief.

Lucas was thinking about how happy they had been when they'd found out they were pregnant, how everything seemed right in their world. He wanted so badly to turn back the clock.

They must have sat there for an hour, barely saying anything until Peyton turned to him.

'I'm so sorry.' She said and he looked back at her, confused.

'For what?' He asked.

'For everything. For shutting you out, for not staying, for showing up again.' She paused and looked at Sawyer's headstone again, 'We should have dealt with it together. I will never be able to tell you how sorry I am for not leaning on you and for not letting you lean on me.'

He watched her, her eyes rimmed red, her hair tied in a messy bun, her face deathly pale. She blamed herself, that much was clear. And he would admit, he blamed her a little bit too. But not for their daughter's death, never for that. It was clear to him though that she had shouldered the blame for it all and that wasn't right.

He also knew that if they were to ever move past this he needed to find a way to let go.

And the conclusion he'd come to in the past few days was that he kind of wanted to move past this, their night together had proven just how much he needed her and he wasn't willing to lose her completely. In order to move past this and rebuild their lives he needed to let go. And seeing her, watching her break down made the anger and the resentment finally melt away. She was killing herself over something that had ruined them both, over something that they had no control over.

'I forgive you.' He said simply.

Her eyes flickered to his, hardly daring to believe his words. She shook her head but he placed a hand on her cheek, 'I forgive you.' He said again. 'I forgive you for leaving, I forgive you for not leaning on me, for not letting me support you. But our daughter's death - that was not your fault. You did nothing wrong, Peyt.' His eyes filled with tears again and he grimaced, 'I'll never understand why she was taken from us but she was and it was nobody's fault.'

Peyton's hand found his and she clasped it tightly, her body shuddering again as she succumbed once more to tears. They don't know how long they stayed there, intermittently talking and staying silent, but at some point in time it started to rain. Fat rain drops fell from the clouds above them but still they stayed, slowly getting soaked through.

Neither wanted to leave.

For the first time in what felt like years they were together.

For the first time in what felt like years it felt like they were a family.

If they left, the reality of their situation would hit them again and neither wanted to acknowledge it.

Neither wanted to live in that reality.

'I'm tired Luke.' Peyton murmured, the rain had mingled with her tears until he couldn't tell which was which. 'I'm so tired.'

'You're freezing.' Lucas said, as if only just realising they were outside in the rain. He saw with a start that Peyton was shaking with cold. He stood up quickly and pulled her to her feet. They walked away together, Lucas' arm around Peyton's waist, effectively holding her up.

As soon as they were in his car he turned on the engine and the heaters before pulling away.

Once they were in Lucas' house he went into the cupboard and took out two towels, draping one around Peyton he then towel dried his hair which stuck up at odd angles when he'd finished. He caught Peyton's eye and she smiled, gently. He flattened his hair and stepped forward rubbing the towel up and down Peyton's arms, trying to generate some warmth. She was still shaking.

He looked at her and she met his gaze. He didn't want to take her to Brooke's, he didn't want her to leave. After everything they'd shared today he wanted her with him. And it seemed like she was on the same sort of page as she asked softly,

'Can I stay?'

'Of course.' He said quietly. He led her into what used to be their bedroom but that was now just his and went to his chest of drawers. He pulled out a t-shirt and a pair of boxers, passing them to Peyton.

She accepted them before heading to the bathroom.

When she was gone he undressed himself quietly, towelling himself dry intermittently. He settled in his bed just as she opened the bathroom door.

Walking out her eyes met Lucas'.

She was nervous, but she was also sure that there was no other place she wanted to be.

Tentatively she walked over to the bed and got in next to Lucas. For a few seconds she made herself comfortable, he turned his head to hers when she stopped moving and her eyes gazed back at him. He opened an arm to her after a moment and she gladly moved closer, curling into his side and resting her head on his chest.

She let out a deep breathe and he closed his eyes, holding her tightly.

Within minutes sleep overtook them both, each exhausted from the emotion of the day.

_I know it's not the easy way to go  
But I know  
Stay_

When Peyton woke she felt different. She didn't open her eyes right away but she felt more rested than she had in years. Her brain went over yesterday's events and she became aware of something heavy across her stomach. Opening her eyes she realised she was in Lucas' bedroom.

She was in Lucas' bedroom for the second time in a week.

Formally her bedroom.

Turning her head her gaze rested on her husband.

He was sleeping soundly on his stomach, breathing deeply, his arm across her midsection.

She couldn't help but smile at the gesture. It was something he used to do all the time.

It felt like they'd come to some sort of middle ground. But it was more than that, at least for her it was.

She loved him, she always had. And she wanted their life back. Their life together.

She wasn't naïve enough to think it was going to be that easy though.

Slipping herself out of his grasp she padded into the kitchen intending to make breakfast. If she knew anything it was that she had a lot of making up to do and she was going to start right now.

She was half way through making French toast when she saw movement out of the corner of her eye. She looked around and Lucas was standing in the doorway, his eyes still sleepy and his hair sticking up. He smiled at her though and she took encouragement from that.

'Hey.' He said throatily and she said the words back to him as he walked a little closer.

'French toast.' He said when he was next to her, 'My favourite.'

'I remember.' Peyton smiled, catching his eye.

He looked back at her, squinting slightly. She didn't quite know what was going through his head and so went back to the toast. After a moment he opened the fridge and pulled out a carton of orange juice. He poured them both a glass and then took out plates from the cupboard. Taking one from him she dished up his breakfast and passed it to him before doing her own.

They walked together to sit at the table.

Lucas took a bite and closed his eyes, 'These are seriously good.'

Peyton smiled widely and as she did it Lucas realised he couldn't remember the last time he'd seen her really smile. Her features softened and he couldn't help but smile back, he loved her smile.

They ate mostly in silence but it wasn't uncomfortable.

She went to take his plate when they'd finished but he shook his head.

'The cook can't clean up as well.' He winked and she smirked at him.

He took her plate with his own and dumped them in the sink.

Taking courage from the fact that his back was to her she took in a deep breath and said, 'I don't want a divorce.'

He stopped moving but didn't turn round, she stood from the table and wrung her hands together nervously. After a moment he turned around and fixed his gaze on her, she couldn't decipher what he was thinking and pushed a hand through her curls anxiously.

He didn't know what to say.

He didn't know why, but he hadn't even thought about their situation when he'd woken up. All he thought about was how good she'd looked in his kitchen, how good she'd felt in his arms, how he hadn't slept so soundly in so long. But he realised now that had been naïve. They weren't together, not even close. He'd served her divorce papers.

'I want to try again Luke.' Peyton said softly, 'I meant what I said yesterday, I really am sorry.'

The last couple of years flitted through his memory like a film and he grew agitated. _Now_ she wanted to try again. _Now_ she wanted to be with him.

Where had she been when he was grieving?

Where had she been when he'd needed her so badly? When he needed her to lean on him? When he needed them to get through everything that had happened together?

Where had she been on the first anniversary of Sawyer's death?

'Sorry doesn't quite cut it.' He said and he was surprised by the spite in his voice.

Peyton raised her eyebrows at him in surprise but recovered quickly, 'Of course. I understand.'

'You left me.' He said bitterly, 'You didn't think of me, you didn't think of us and now you want me to just welcome you back with open arms. To live happily ever after.'

'No-' Peyton said quickly.

'Good.' Lucas replied forcefully.

'I'm sorry.' Peyton said again, alarmed at the sudden turn of events. 'I should go.'

'I think that's a good idea.' Lucas said and Peyton left his kitchen towards the bedroom. He braced himself against the counter, he didn't want her to go. But he didn't want her to stay either.

She was back within a few moments, dressed in yesterday's clothes.

'I understand Luke.' She said, but her voice was trembling and he closed his eyes. He didn't want to cause her pain. 'Really I do. It's too late.'

She hesitated before walking forward and pressing a kiss to his cheek.

'If there is even a small part of you that wants what I want then I'll wait. I'll be here when you're ready. I won't let you down, I promise. If you don't feel the same then be happy Lucas.' She said and he saw the tears in her eyes, 'I want that with all of my heart.'

Then she was gone and Lucas buried his head in his hands.

* * *

'I'm here for you man.' Nathan said, 'I'm here for you and Peyton, just stop shutting us out please. What's going on?'

After his morning with Peyton Lucas had gone out for a walk but he ended up at Haley and Nathan's. He barged through the door to see Nathan sitting at his breakfast bar reading the sports section of the paper. His eyes had widened at Lucas but the blonde had refused to talk for a good 5 minutes, instead pacing up and down the kitchen. His hands balled into fists. Now it seemed he was ready.

'She can't do this.' He seethes. 'Why does she always leave and then drop back into my life when she pleases and turn it upside down. Why does she think that's ok?'

Nathan sighs but doesn't say anything. Something had evidently happened between Lucas and Peyton.

'It's not fucking fair. I move on and she comes back and fucks it all up again.'

'You have not even remotely moved on Luke.' Nathan scoffs.

Lucas brushes aside his comment, 'I hate her man.'

'No you don't.' Nathan replied calmly.

'I do.' He says, 'I hate her so much.'

And then his face crumples and for the first time in front of his brother Lucas lets out the tears he'd kept at bay for too long. Nathan stands up quickly and pulls his brother into a hug and closes his own eyes as Lucas shakes against him. Lucas pushes him away a second later, clearing his throat and wiping at his eyes.

'She doesn't want a divorce.' He said softly, clearing his throat.

'Which is a good thing?'

'Is it?' Lucas asked.

'You said you would love her through sickness and health Luke.' Nathan reminded him and Lucas closed his eyes with a grimace. 'You said you would love her forever.'

'I do love her.' He finally admitted, 'I always have. But some things people can't overcome. Sometimes it takes more than love.'

'I understand that. And there's no doubt that Peyton has to earn your trust.' Nathan said softly, pursing his lips. 'But this is you and Peyton. You've come through so much together and you've always come out stronger.'

'This- Sawyer-' He closed his eyes again as his voice cracked and he felt Nathan's hand on his shoulder, 'This destroyed us Nate.'

Nathan squeezed his brother's shoulder tightly, 'It took you both down a dark path.' He agreed, 'But is there any reason why you can't come out of this together?'

Lucas pressed his fingers into his eyes.

'All I'm saying is don't throw away everything you've ever wanted because of a year of craziness and bad decisions. Yes, the past few years have been terrible for you both but before that you were really happy. You were the happiest I've ever seen you. Do you really think starting over without her is the best thing?'

With his eyes still closed memories streamed through his inner eye like a movie playing before his eyes. Kissing Peyton at the state championship, their relationship through to the end of senior year, asking her to marry him at Tree Hill airport, proposing for the second time in that hotel room in LA, Peyton telling him she was pregnant, planning their wedding with all their family and friends.

Their wedding day played back at him in slow motion and his eyes stung with tears as he opened them again.

Nathan was right. He'd wanted Peyton Sawyer to be his wife ten years ago and he still wanted her to be his wife.

'How do I get it all back?' He croaked and Nathan couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face. In this one conversation they'd moved further forward than they had in over a year. Nathan was hopeful.

'I think the first thing you've gotta do..' Nathan said thoughtfully. '..is talk to your wife.'

Lucas looked at him and Nathan smiled at his brother, squeezing his shoulder again.

_And if this house burns to the ground into ashes  
We will hold it together  
We will hold it together_

A few hours after his talk with Nathan he made his way to Brooke's house. He'd been wandering around Tree Hill for an hour, trying to get his thoughts together.

All he could concretely settle on was the fact that he wanted to try. He couldn't live with himself if he didn't try.

Knocking on the door he waited.

'Lucas.' Brooke said, surprised as she opened the door.

'Is Peyton here?' He asked softly and Brooke nodded, welcoming him inside. He walked into the kitchen and Peyton noticed him.

'Luke.' She said softly, standing up.

'I'm gonna-' Brooke said, not bothering to finish her sentence as she picked up her purse and made her way out of the house, closing the door behind her so that they were alone.

'I'm sorry.' Lucas said after a moment's silence.

Peyton stared at him in surprise before saying softly, 'I deserve it.'

'You don't.' Lucas said.

'Everything you said is right Lucas.' Peyton said strongly, 'I left you, you have every right to hate me.'

'I don't though.'

Peyton's eyes met his and she saw the emotion swirling within his gaze.

'I don't hate you.' He said again, 'I love you.'

Peyton took in a sharp breathe, staring at him.

'I have hated that fact a few times over the years though, I admit.' There's a smile tugging at his lips. 'But it's true.'

'I love you too, I always have.' Peyton replied, her heart beating wildly. 'It was never about my love for you Luke, that has never changed throughout all of this.'

Lucas was standing in front of her then and she held her breathe as he placed a palm to her cheek.

'It's gonna take time.' He said quietly, 'But I don't want a divorce either.'

A happy bubble rose inside Peyton and before she'd thought about it she'd leant forward and pressed her lips against Lucas'. He kissed her back instantly, the hand that wasn't on her cheek going to her hip.

They broke apart after a few moments and Lucas spoke again, 'I wasn't totally honest with you yesterday.'

Peyton's gazed at him curiously.

'I said I forgave you for leaving.' Lucas said honestly, 'I'm not quite there yet.'

'I understand.' Peyton said quickly, her fingers messing with the hair at the nape of his neck.

'I'm getting there.' He said.

Peyton smiled before saying almost nervously, 'So where do we go from here?'

Lucas shrugged.

'I think we need to talk.'

Peyton nodded and they settled on the couch five minutes later with a cup of tea each.

And they talked.

They talked about everything. They talked about how the last few years had affected them both, they talked about their own point of view and they tried to understand the other's point of view as much as possible. They talked about the grieving process, they talked about Sawyer and Peyton admitted that the reason she had decided to come back was that she had been seeing a therapist who'd helped her realise that running away instead of dealing with everything head on had irremovably made things worse. She'd explained that trauma did funny things to people and everyone dealt with it differently.

She'd helped her realise that she didn't want to be away from her husband. That she was shutting out everyone because she had no idea how to deal with her overwhelming guilt, her overwhelming grief.

And she was still seeing a therapist in Tree Hill, every Saturday morning.

Lucas tentatively suggested that they go together one week and Peyton held on tightly to his hand.

Her therapist had said the very same thing in their last session.

When he left Brooke's house four hours later Peyton couldn't help but think that they were turning a corner.

A corner to reconciliation.

_And if this world starts to break your heart into pieces  
I will make you feel better and try to put you back together  
I'll try to put you back together_

Despite them having got to the point where they'd turned a corner in their relationship the first month of being back together was surprisingly tough.

Therapy had been difficult, it brought up a lot of issues that had been unresolved for years and that weren't directly related to Sawyer Scott. All of the hurt and miscommunication when Lucas had proposed that first time in LA, all of the heartbreak for those months when Peyton returned to Tree Hill and Lucas had almost married Lindsey. They'd thought they'd buried it, they thought that when they'd gotten back together, when they'd nearly got married in Vegas, when they'd found out they were pregnant, when they'd actually gotten married for real that it had all gone away.

They'd thought the past was in the past.

But it was clear from their sessions that feelings ran deep and that they each harboured their own trust issues. Once each of them accepted their part to play in their relationship failures it was easier to see a way forward. The therapist had told them that their past actions proved that they did not know how to communicate effectively with each other when things got tough. Lucas had been sceptical at this, they had been friends for years, they knew how to communicate. When they had been friends and things had gotten hard they'd leant on each other against the rest of the world, he argued. The problem was, however, that when things went wrong between them as a couple they did not know how to lean on each other and so they ran.

She also explained that there was probably an underlying element of abandonment, which was hardly surprising given both their parental history which kept them from communicating effectively when things got tough between them.

There had been tears, honest confessions, emotional fuelled apologies and explanations. She did explain that it also wasn't unusual for parents that lose a child to then separate because the grieving process is totally different for individual people and it can be very isolating. But she'd also reassured them that considering what they had been through she could see a hell of a lot of love between them.

And that was everything.

By the second month therapy felt kind of liberating. It was like they were starting from the beginning, on a completely clean slate. The third month since the day Lucas and Peyton turned a corner in their relationship, things were better than they could have imagined. Yes, they still had hard days. Yes, the grief and the resentment and the bottled up emotions were still a part of their relationship but they were finding ways to push through every day.

And suddenly everything in Tree Hill seemed to be settling almost back to normal.

Walking up the Scotts' drive hand in hand they let themselves into the house and were hit with a party in full swing. They passed Jamie on the way to the kitchen and gave him his present as it was his birthday party and then sidestepped him into the kitchen.

'Finally!' Brooke said loudly as they walked into the kitchen. 'Peyton Scott where have you been?!'

Haley glanced at Lucas as Brooke said those words and couldn't stop her smile as he positively beamed, his eyes twinkling. It was safe to say that Mr and Mrs Lucas Scott were very much completely back on.

Before Peyton could answer Brooke carried on, 'You haven't been home in 4 days.'

Peyton blushed a little, since they'd gotten back together and were going from strength to strength she was spending more and more time at Lucas' house. They'd lived there as a couple and when they'd gotten married and it felt natural that she was there now. 'I guess you're right.'

Nathan smirked at them both and handed Lucas a beer before asking Peyton what she wanted to drink.

The day went off without a hitch, although it was completely crazy but both adults and children alike had fun. It was a lovely day, everyone was outside and Nathan was cooking on the bbq. Lucas took a sip of his beer as he surreptitiously watched Peyton talking to Nathan by the grill.

'God can you be any more in love with your wife.'

He turned his head to Haley who sat down in the chair next to him. He rolled his eyes at her but she couldn't help but continue to study him. The change in him, well both of them really had been nothing short of incredible. They looked healthier, gone were the red rimmed and bags under the eyes. In place were smiles and twinkles in the eyes.

Haley noticed that Lucas was more attentive to Peyton, his hand was never far from hers. A simple brush of fingers against one another, to let each other know that they were there. A press of the hand to Peyton's lower back, a palm to the cheek, a simple kiss to the lips. But what surprised her more was that Peyton was exactly the same. Her hand was never far from his, her fingers interlinked with his, her palm on his knee or his thigh.

It truly warmed Haley's heart.

'Yeah can't really argue with that.' Lucas muttered, watching as his wife laughed at something Nathan said.

'You're happy? I mean I'm pretty sure I know the answer to that.' Haley laughed and Lucas turned to her,

'You know, we have hard days.' Lucas admits, a crease forming in between his forehead, 'But we're talking, we're working through things together. We're – yeah we're happy.'

'You both deserve it.' Haley said sincerely and Brooke joined them, sitting down and fanning herself. Lucas smirked at her,

'Why is it so hot?'

'It's really not that bad.' Lucas smirked.

'When you're lugging around two humans in your uterus you can have an opinion.'

Lucas grimaced slightly, 'Right ok.'

'Anyway.' Brooke said, fanning herself, 'When're you gonna play house with your wife?'

'What?'

'Well you're married, you're together, she practically lives with you anyway. It's just that most of her stuff is at mine.' Brooke explained and Haley shot her a warning look. 'What?' Brooke asked her.

'Stop pushing.' Haley said firmly, 'They'll move at their own pace.'

'I'm not _pushing_-'

Lucas zoned out slightly as Brooke retorted to Haley's comment, her comment hadn't come completely out of the blue. He'd been thinking it for the last few weeks but he didn't want to push Peyton, he didn't want to push them. Call him cynical but things were going really well right now and he didn't want that to change.

Peyton raised her hand as Lucas watched her and as her fingers tucked a curl behind her ear her rings glinted in the sunlight and he couldn't help but grin. She was his wife and he was damn proud of that fact. And he wanted to spend as much time together as possible.

It was completely ludicrous that they weren't living together.

'You're right Brooke.' Lucas said after a moment and both Haley and Brooke turned to him quickly, 'I think it's about time I live with my wife.'

And they watched as he stood and walked over to his brother and Peyton.

'Hey.' Peyton said with a smile as he joined them, grabbing his hand and interlinking their fingers.

'So I was thinking, how would you feel about moving in?'

Nathan's eyes widened at the abrupt nature of Lucas' question and Peyton opened her mouth in surprise but didn't say anything for several moments.

'You're serious?'

'Absolutely.' Lucas said firmly, 'It's your home too, besides, I want you with me, always.'

Peyton's smile suggested that she agreed with him and she cupped his cheek before pressing her lips to his in response. A whooping that they were pretty sure was Brooke broke through their bubble but they didn't acknowledge it.

* * *

They'd been living together for only a couple of weeks when Lucas had a nightmare that unsettled their fragile relationship slightly, his yell woke her up as suddenly as if she'd been slapped round the face.

She turns over quickly, her husband is sitting up in bed, his hands fisted in the sheets.

'Luke.' Peyton says gently and he turns to her, his eyes are wide and stricken.

'Lucas.' She says again, her hand cupping his cheek.

'Peyt?' He says.

'It's me.' She replies soothingly, 'It's me.' He looks at her properly then and the panic slowly leaves his face. 'It's ok, I'm here.'

He grasps her, pulling her effortlessly into his lap and she wraps herself around him, her arms holding him tightly. She can't help but feel scared for what had just occurred.

'What happened?' She asks after a moment, pulling back slightly to look into Lucas' eyes.

'I had a bad dream.' He says, not meeting her eyes. From the position they're in it is pretty difficult to avoid eye contact and she knows its deliberate.

'Hey.' She says, cupping his jaw and forcing his gaze to hers, 'Talk to me.'

'I woke up, in my dream, I woke up and-' He closes his eyes, 'You were gone.'

Peyton feels her heart crumble into tiny pieces. The man before her, her strong husband was doubting how she felt, doubting her intentions.

'Oh Luke.' Peyton whispered, her fingers brushing his hair backwards, off his face. 'I'm so sorry.'

Lucas shakes his head, 'You don't need to be, it's a stupid dream.'

'Lucas.' Peyton insists, her hands on his cheeks, 'If you're having a dream like that it obviously means that some small part of you is worried.'

'I trust you.' Lucas says strongly.

'Honey.' Peyton chuckles humourlessly, 'I know you do. But it's ok, I would rather know how you're feeling. I would rather that you spoke to me.'

He looks down then and she shifts in his lap to bring his gaze back to her.

'You're right, we've been getting closer and I guess I've been worried that it's all going to go wrong. That you're going to figure out this isn't worth it.'

Peyton is lost for words for a moment, the root of his insecurity temporarily rendering her speechless.

'Luke.' She says softly, 'That is _never_ going to happen.'

His gaze leaves hers again and not for the first time she realises the extent of her betrayal. When she left him she had destroyed everything that they had been building up since that dreadful night in the hotel room when they'd been 19. When she'd left him she'd confirmed that when things got rough between them she ran, she confirmed that he couldn't trust her.

She was struggling to find the words to convey how much she regretted her actions, how grateful she was that they were in the place they were now.

After a moment she looked into his eyes,

'I don't think you realise how much you mean to me Luke. I love you more than anything and I _want_ to be with you. I'm not gonna leave you again.' She picked up his hand and placed it over her chest, he could feel her heart beating beneath his fingertips, 'You have me Lucas, you have all of me. I'm not going to sabotage that.'

His eyes are shining, 'Promise?' He asks delicately, his hand tangling into her hair to cup the back of her head.

Peyton cups his cheeks, 'I promise.' She says strongly, her eyes locked on his to emphasise her point.

'I love you too, you know.' He whispers, brushing his nose against hers. She kisses him then with a smile, her mouth covering his own and her body pushing gently against his until he sank backwards into the mattress.

'Is this your way of showing me?' He asks against her mouth as she presses herself against him.

'Uhuh.' Peyton murmurs, brushing her nose against his again, 'I'll show you everyday if I have to.'

Lucas grins and brushes her hair off her face as she captures his lips once again, her tongue meeting his. Sometimes actions spoke louder than words and in this instance Lucas was completely ok with that.

* * *

'So how're you both?'

Lucas looked at Peyton, who beamed back at him with a wink and he couldn't stop his own smile. Reaching over he grasped her hand before looking back at their therapist.

'Great.'

'I can see that.' She smiled, watching their tactile display. 'You know, I think you're both ready.'

They looked at her quizzically and she elaborated with a smile, 'To finish therapy.'

Peyton instantly gripped Lucas' hand tighter, 'Really?'

'Are you sure?' Lucas asked anxiously.

'Do you not think so?' She asked, tilting her head interestedly.

Lucas and Peyton looked at each other again and as Peyton's eyes caught his he saw her visibly relax, her features softening, a small smile adorning her mouth.

'I think you're right.' Peyton said softly.

'Are you sure?' Lucas repeated.

Peyton nodded her head and Lucas' eyes shone, a smile spreading across his face. He raised her hand and kissed her knuckles before looking back at their therapist.

'All you need to do is carry on with what you've been doing, don't be afraid to disagree, to argue, to communicate. The grief is still there and it will raise its ugly head now and again but remember to confide in each other, to talk to each other. And above everything remember that you have both chosen to fight for your marriage, that shows that you both want the same thing. Each other.'

Peyton's fingers brushed over Lucas' wedding band on his left hand and he looked at her again, she was smiling back at him once more, tears in her eyes. And he realised that their therapist was right.

They'd chosen this path, no matter how hard it had been and was going to be in the future. They had chosen each other because they were in love with each other. And with that thought tears shimmered in his own eyes as he smiled back at his wife.

* * *

Jude and Davis Baker were born to Brooke and Julian on a rainy Tuesday morning, the first few months after they were born were hard for Lucas and Peyton for obvious reasons. Although no one suspected anything, they leant on each other but supported Brooke and Julian as much as possible.

But it got Peyton thinking. She knew it was too early, they'd not even been back together a year yet. But it was something they needed to discuss for the future.

They walked through the door of their home, Lucas dropping the keys tiredly on the kitchen counter.

'So I was thinking we could talk.' Peyton said and turned to look at her husband. He had an alarmed look on his face and she chuckled softly, 'Don't look so worried.'

They kicked off their shoes and walked through their home to sit on the couch, turning to each other.

'Ok shoot.'

Peyton felt suddenly nervous, she sort of had a feeling to how this conversation might go. But the first rule their therapist had taught them was to talk through their feelings, to talk about the things that were important and Peyton knew this needed to be said.

'I've been feeling-' She started and she found she couldn't look Lucas in the eye, 'Ever since the twins have been born and being around them, I've been feeling-' She stopped and took in a breathe, 'Maybe we should talk about trying for a baby.'

Her eyes rose to meet his and she saw that he'd gone very still. He tore his eyes away from her and turned to sit forwards, his hands clasped together and he said very softly but none the less very clearly,

'No.'

Peyton's breathe got caught in her throat, 'No?' She asked, her voice wavering.

'No.' He said again, his voice hard.

'What- no discussion? No compromising just no?'

'There is no compromise with this Peyton.' He turned his eyes to hers and she saw that they were blazing with emotion.

'So what you say goes?' Peyton asked, feeling her anger rise.

'Yes.' Lucas said again, standing up, 'We are not having another baby.'

'Why?' Peyton asked, standing up as well.

He looked at her incredulously, 'What do you mean why? Do you not remember Sawyer?'

His words cut through her like a knife and made tears overspill her eyes, 'Don't you dare.'

He stopped talking immediately and they stared at each other. She wanted to get away, she wanted to leave the house and slam the door behind her, she wanted to be the furthest away from her husband at this moment in time.

But through the hurt and the anger she recognised her feelings and fought hard to keep them at bay.

A big part of their therapy had been building up trust again.

Lucas didn't trust her, he didn't trust her not to run when things got hard. Those sessions had nearly broken her as she'd realised what leaving had actually done to him.

And she had vowed that she would never do that again, no matter how bad things got.

So she fought against the urge to run, fought against her instincts.

But she couldn't look at him right now so she stood up and walked away from him, slamming the bedroom door behind her. She wouldn't run. But that didn't mean she couldn't be angry, it didn't mean she couldn't let him know how pissed off she was.

And as the door slammed Lucas sank back down onto the couch, he could have dealt with that slightly better. Pressing a hand to his forehead he tried to collect his thoughts, all he knew was that his heart was hammering against his chest.

And he needed to explain why.

After an hour he got up and knocked softly on the bedroom door, with no reply he opened it and stuck his head inside. Peyton was lying on the bed facing the door, his heart broke a little as he took in her red rimmed eyes.

'Can I come in?' He asked softly but his wife didn't say anything. Getting onto the bed he lay down next to her, on his back staring at the ceiling.

'I'm sorry for earlier.' He said softly, 'I didn't mean it to come out the way it did.'

'You don't want a baby with me.' Peyton said softly, 'I understand.'

Lucas' head snapped sideways to look at her, 'That's not it.' He said strongly, bridging the gap between them and placing an arm around her, 'Babe that is so not it. There's nothing more that I'd love than a whole army of kids with you.' He smiled wistfully and tears leaked out of her eyes, 'But I will not go back there, I will not put you at risk and I will not lose another child.'

His voice broke and Peyton reached for his hand, grasping it tightly.

'But what if we asked advice? We could go to the doctor-'

'Peyton.' Lucas interrupted delicately, squeezing her hand, 'You heard what the doctors said last time, it could happen again. And I'm sorry but I will not take that risk. You cannot ask me to repeat what has happened the last few years.'

'I'm not –'

'What would we do if the baby didn't make it?' He asked, his voice quiet and urgent, 'What would I do if _you_ didn't make it? You were so close to dying last time Peyton. You cannot ask me to be ok with this.'

His eyes are pleading and desperate, wanting her to understand. Needing her to. He couldn't go through it again and as they lay in silence she saw his side and understood. Really she did. She couldn't go through losing another baby either.

Losing Sawyer had devastated them both and she knew she would not make it if it were to happen again.

'I get it.' Peyton said softly, but the tears fell anyway as she mourned the fact that she was not going to have the chance to be pregnant again, that she was not going to have the chance to have another baby.

'I'm so sorry.' Lucas whispered, pulling her into his side, 'We'll find another way. There are options. I promise we will be parents again.'

* * *

Two years passed since the day that Lucas and Peyton lay in each other's arms contemplating their future and they'd honestly made peace with the choices that they had made. In fact, the choice that they had made 6 months after that had been the most important decision they'd ever made.

And the most rewarding.

They'd talked a lot about their options. Surrogacy and adoption were the ideas that interested them the most. But after lots of discussions they agreed that actually adoption suited them best. And as Lucas had pointed out, if Peyton hadn't have been adopted then they'd never have met. Once he'd said that it was an easy choice.

There was a lot of paperwork in the beginning and various checks from social services. There was a lot to consider. But then they met Ellie and Jayden Shaw.

Brother and sister who were twins of 8 months, they had been in foster care since they'd been 4 months old after being orphaned by their parents in a car accident.

The story alone had struck a cord with Peyton and the name Ellie had felt like an absolute sign but then she'd met them both and almost instantly she'd fallen in love with them. Lucas had been the same.

They met the siblings on a number of occasions but the day that they walked through the door and Jayden's face split into a huge grin upon seeing them was the day that they signed the official paperwork to start the adoption process. After what seemed like the longest wait ever but in reality wasn't all too long Ellie and Jayden Shaw became Ellie and Jayden Shaw-Scott.

And just like that they got the family they'd always wanted.

Fast forward two and a half years later and the twins were nearing 4 and they were the most adorable kids around. Jayden's hair was still a sandy colour but his eyes were a dark brown colour, something that instantly melted his mother's heart every time she looked into them. Ellie had golden curls, something that Lucas loved and a sassy disposition.

They were perfect and not a day went by where Lucas and Peyton weren't thankful for how lucky they had been.

'Mommy, daddy's waiting.'

Jayden's voice behind her made her turn.

'He is huh?' She smiled at her son.

Jayden nodded emphatically and Brooke couldn't help but laugh at her godson.

'You look very handsome baby boy.' Peyton said bending down to straighten her son's tie.

'I'm not a baby.'

'You'll always be my baby.' Jayden smiled at her again, scrunching up his nose and Peyton rested her forehead against her son's.

'You can tell daddy that mommy will be ready when she is ready.' Brooke said tutting as she straightened out Peyton's dress. Jayden laughed and turned on his heel running out of the makeshift tent and away from them.

'That is one seriously adorable kid.' Brooke said watching Jayden. 'He's gonna be a heartbreaker.'

'Right.' Peyton laughed and then looked at her best friend.

Out of the blue Brooke's eyes filled with tears.

'You look beautiful.'

'Are you crying?' Peyton asked shrewdly, 'You've seen us get married before you softie.'

'I know.' Brooke said wiping her eyes, 'But let's be honest P, you've come a long way over the last few years.'

'We have.' Peyton agreed, a sombre note to her voice.

'And here you are, about to renew your vows with your husband with your two children by your side.' Brooke said happily, 'I'm proud of you, you know.'

It was Peyton's turn for tears to form in her eyes.

* * *

'Aunt Brooke said mommy will be ready when she's ready!'

Lucas laughed as his son ran up the makeshift aisle to reach him, he crouched down and caught hold of Jayden as he ran full force into him.

'You're a good looking Scott, champ.'

'Don't know where he gets that from.' Nathan joked, fist bumping his nephew and setting down Ellie to stand next to her brother.

'And you look beautiful Ellie.' Lucas smiled at his daughter, looking at both of them standing before him his heart ached with happiness.

'You ready guys?' Lucas asked them seriously.

They nodded emphatically. 'You're going to sit with Grandma and Grandpa ok?'

He took both their hands and led them over to Karen and Larry who each picked up a twin and set them down on their laps, Lucas kissed them both on the foreheads before turning and walking to the front to stand next to Nathan.

He let his eyes wander to his surroundings. They'd decided to renew their vows on the river court and they'd spent a good few months decorating it to make it absolutely perfect. His eyes were drawn to his children and he couldn't help the smile that made its way onto his face. He cast his eyes skyward and thought of Sawyer, the smile remaining on his face as his eyes fell again.

'I'm proud of you big brother.' Nathan said so softly Lucas nearly missed it.

'Thanks Nate.' Lucas said sincerely.

Music slowly filtered through and his eyes snapped to the end of the aisle. He watched as Haley walked up the aisle and then Brooke and then he watched as his wife walked towards him, the sun was setting and the golden glow falling across her features made his heart beat a little faster.

The ceremony went in a blur and all too soon they were declared married, again. Lucas kissed his wife and they turned to the small amount of family and friends. Their eyes met their children's and Ellie and Jayden ran up to them, each of them lifted one of their children on their hips. The smiles on all four family members reaching from ear to ear.

* * *

'So, you know what day it is today don't you?' Lucas asked his two five year olds.

'Yes!' Ellie shouted.

'Inside voice honey.'

'But we're outside.' Ellie said petulantly, holding onto her mother's hand tightly as they went through the gate. Lucas rolled his eyes at his daughter but chuckled all the same. They let go of Ellie and Jayden's hands once they were inside the gates, the two scampering off, they knew where to go.

Holding on tight to the lily's in his hand Lucas held out his other hand and Peyton grasped onto it tightly weaving their way through the graves until they met the twins who were already standing in position.

'Hi Sawyer.' Jayden said, plonking himself down onto the grass. Ellie followed suit and said, 'Happy birthday Sawyer!'

Lucas picked a flower out of the bunch and placed it on Anna Sawyer's headstone before placing the rest in front of Sawyer's headstone.

'Hey baby girl.' He said softly, pressing his fingertips to the headstone. He was vaguely aware that his children were chatting absentmindedly to their sister but looked at his wife. Peyton, who had said a hello to Anna, made her way to them and he watched as she read the inscription on Sawyer's grave.

'Happy birthday honey.' She said quietly and he smiled at her, pressing his lips absentmindedly to the side of her head.

'Mommy, Sawyer wants to hear about our birthday party.' Ellie said loudly.

'Honey that's not for another six weeks.' Peyton said.

'She told me she wants to know all about it.' Ellie insisted and Peyton indulged her five year old, kneeling down next to her as Ellie began to speak at lightening speed.

'Granma's coming, and granpa, and auntie haley and uncle nate and auntie brooke and uncle julian and-'

Lucas couldn't help but smile as he watched his daughter reel off lists of names to her sister. His eyes turned to Jayden who was sitting quietly beside his sister, Lucas knelt down to look at his son.

'You ok champ?' He asked softly.

The broody expression on his face was a mix of thoughtfulness and sadness, of not quite understanding and wanting to know more. Peyton knew that that face would break hearts someday.

'Do you think Sawyer can hear us?' He asked softly and Lucas smiled at his son.

'What do you think?'

'I think she can.'

'Me too.' Lucas agreed softly, catching Peyton's eyes, tears clear in them as she smiled at them both.

Just because they were able to do this as often as they did with their children didn't mean that it wasn't difficult. It didn't mean that they didn't have awkward conversations at times, it didn't mean that it got any easier. But having their children know that Sawyer had existed, showing Ellie and Jayden that they had a sibling was important and it was worth it.

'What shall I say?' Jayden asked even as his sister finally drew breath and stopped talking.

'It's up to you honey.' Peyton said softly.

The little boy looked up at the tree before them thoughtfully.

'Happy birthday Sawyer.' He said softly, 'I wish me and Ellie had met you and I wish you were here with us and Mommy and Daddy. We miss you.'

Lucas' eyes watered and his gaze met Peyton's again whose eyes were glassy, tears silently falling down her cheeks.

'We love you lots.' Ellie added, pressing her little hand to the headstone and Lucas closed his eyes, breathing deeply.

A leaf fell from the tree in front of them and fell onto Sawyer's grave.

_I love you too._

_Put you back together_

_Oh_

* * *

**I know that the subject matter is a difficult one and so I hope I did it justice. Sending love to anyone it resonates with. Thanks so much for reading. **


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